Overthinking.

Some people say that overthinking kills you, and maybe they're right. As the year draws to a close, time to whipped out that or start digging for where you left your new year resolution paper that you've made earlier this year and maybe check off some things on the list. 

Me, for one, didn't make one. It was weird because I've always been one that has a list, but busyness had gotten a hold of me this year, that I did not sat down and write a list. But as cliché as it may seem, some points of the new year resolutions repeats itself every year, now, I can't be the only one with that problem, can I?

With SPM ending on the last day of November last year and class started on the 3rd of January 2012, plus I had been travelling a lot last year, there wasn't exactly a "right" time for resolutions. All I knew was I wanted to score in my exams, grow closer in my walk with God, and dream of heading overseas to study. As months passed, my goals became more specific.

Looking back, the year truly had gone by in a breeze, 12 (or 11) full months of books,books,books, and constant worries for exams. From college events such as Orientation Camp, Orientation Ball, Treasure Hunt, first time scoring insanely low on my trials, first external exam, to more heartbreaking moments such as results day, lecturers throwing information at us as we rush through the syllabus for trials, being too worn out everyday in college as it ended with the Musical and good forecast grades. 

There were things that I knew God would take away from me this year, things that I had really wanted, that I had pleaded with God to let me have it. But God in all His sovereignty, obviously, wouldn't allow me to have it. And I'm tremendously blessed that I didn't. It was hard to accept at first, even now actually. But it was truly a blessing in disguise. 

If I had a chance, what would I do differently?

It's a tough questions, I mean, we all have or own share of regrets and mistakes. For me, I guess I'd rather live with the mistakes and regrets that I've made throughout the year and learn from it. And in one way or another, I am glad for the mistakes, I'm glad to have made them, to really see that my view in life is so blurry, and God has the bigger picture. I do admit that I still hold back some stuff and not let God have total control, but I'm learning, we all are.

I'm ending this year with mixed feelings. I want just a glimpse of where I'll be next year, just to prepare myself for the heartbreak. But then, am I trusting my future to God? If I know that He knows what's best for me, then why do I still feel like I want to know where I'll be next year? 

I'm terrified. 

More than I show. It's making me nervous,and sometimes I just want to disappear, to leave and never let anyone know. It's scary to not know my future, and again, I just keep repeating to myself, to trust God. Looking back, He hasn't let me down, and His timings are perfect and truly entrust myself into His Word. To understand that this life here on Earth is just temporary, and my main aim should be about spreading the Gospel anyway. 

HAPPY NEW YEARS! 2013! :D

Hannah

Dance

What keeps you dancing? What inspires you? What motivates you?

Something that I really like to do is dance, there's a certain excitement that fill me when I'm backstage, looking from behind the curtains, watching as the audience take their seats and chatter on excitedly, listening to the hush silence that fills the hall when the lights dim or the curtain rises. A certain joy that fill me as my heart starts pounding like mad just before my cue is up. But then on stage, as all the rehearsals and practices are put to the test, everyone wants to deliver a stunning performance.

Performing is such a bittersweet feeling for most people because when performing, whether is it dancing, singing or in a bad, playing instruments, it makes people feel wanted. One person lacking cause a great deal of trouble for the team, everyone is needed, they all play their individual important role. The back stage guys, the PA boys, everyone has their own individual role to play, and if they do not uphold these roles, there will be some people getting angry and well, let's just say some others has to do double jobs, which, isn't really nice.

After weeks or months of performing, the tiresome practices doing the same thing over and over again, trying to polish up every little blemish in the performance, to have a truly perfect performance. And then after everything, saying goodbye to the "family" whom you've spent countless of hours rehearsing with. That's the bitter moment, but remembering all the times and moments together, laughing and goofing around.

Most dance, as a way of expression, just like how some people paint, some write, some, dance. putting their thoughts and feelings into a piece, and letting the music play and your body take over, grooving and moving to it. Releasing angry, stress, weary, sadness. It is, truly a way of expressing yourself.

The best choreography are the ones that has a soul to it.

Hannah

Shooting Stars

And tell me, did you fall for a shooting star, one without a permanent scar? 

- Drops Of Jupiter

We all have scars. Some deeper and others, some scars hurt more than others. But each and everyone one of it tells it's own individual stories. Each scar represented a moment in your past where you were hurt, disappointed, upset, angry or even lonely.

What stories does YOUR scars hold?

What do you do when you're the stumbling block, hindering others from moving forward?

Hannah

End.

Is this it?

Is this how it ends? Just like that, as quickly as how we were brought into the world.

I'm not giving up. It's hard to love people who doesn't like us much, but Christ had shown His immense great love on the Cross. He had shown love to people who nailed Him. And by His strength, not mine, I won't give up trying to love you. I won't give up trying to bring you to the Gospel, I won't give up, showing you how much I care. By God's grace and God's strength, and only if He Wills it, then it will be done.

I'm not letting you go this time. Swallowing my pride, and pray that God use me as a vessel. 

I'm not giving up.

Hannah

Bubble.

Maybe it's time to step out of that prefect little bubble, and stand up for the Truth, no matter what it takes,

Salvation is a gift. And it sure it. But after receiving the gift of salvation, our whole life changes. Our perspectives changes BECAUSE of salvation. We do not continue living life just as it is, but we found our purpose, to live for the Gospel. For Christ and we no longer live for ourselves.

Many people misunderstood salvation. I too, was one of them, thinking that a simple prayer that I recited after the pastor would save me and I'll be going to heaven if I die. Sure, to a certain extend that was true. As true repentance should be present in a Christians life. But then again, how can you go on living life just like how you did before after realizing what God had done for you? What Christ had done on the cross.

That was how my life was, a Christian who goes to church every week. For what reason? Not to spend time getting fed by the word, but because my friends were there. My excitement when going to church was directly proportional to the number of close friends that were going to be there. And outside of church, I had lived my life just like everyone else. What was the different between me and everyone else, honestly, nothing much. We were the same. Except that one small time where I said the sinners prayer. ( which to be honest, I prolly just said it because I didn't wanna burn and rot in hell, who does, right?)

But by God's grace He had provided me with leaders that were helpful in many ways. And He had opened my eyes to the true meaning of the Gospel and how I had taken that one small sinners prayer to be my key to heaven. But that little prayer doesn't mean anything if your life doesn't change with it. Just knowing that Christ died on that Cross isn't enough. Knowing that He was God, the Saviour, the Messiah wasn't enough. Even the devil believed and know that Christ was God, that He was the Saviour, The Messiah. Knowing isn't enough. It's living it out. And consuming yourself into all that He is. It is surrendering your whole life because of His great and amazing work.

It is stepping out of your prefect bubble and standing up for the truth.
It is being in awe of God's grace upon your life and knowing that you can't live the same any more after knowing His mercy and grace.
It is having a new relationship with sin, because you have a new relationship with God. -Paul washer
It is loving other with all your heart, though its hard-- because God had first shown His love to lowly sinners like you and I.
It is knowing that your life, isn't your life anymore. But it was bought with a price, it was bought with the blood of the son of God.
It is to be truly convicted by the word of God.


I'm learning. And everyday, there's something new in stored for me. And everyday, there's a need to thank God for His grace. In the midst of my busy-ness and worldliness where I cared more about my studies, activities compared to His grace and mercy, He remains faithful while I remain unstable. He picks me up while I fall down and start licking my own wounds. And He reminds me of everything that I had been blessed with. As Christians, as we suffer persecution, rejection, being called a blasphemy, though we endure the sufferings externally, yet we rejoice on the inside. We rejoice knowing that no matter what, Christ's Work on the Cross had justified us. Not because of the puny little "good" things that we have done, but because of God's immense love and grace, that He had shown to us.

I've been tired, worn out, exhausted, drained. Everyone sees me and ask,"why do you look so tired? what time did you sleep?"  Things have been a bit crazy with external exams in January, Universities applications needs to be completed soon, worrying about my forecast results and what not, worrying about the fund for university. Realizing that it is so expensive to complete an undergraduate programme now. And not wanting to burden my parents, my dad especially for this huge chuck of fees that has to go into my education. So, things have been insane. With the last week of musical practices before the final curtain closes.
And I pray to God, that He sustain me on my walk with Him, until He returns, or calls me home. But not my will, But Lord, Your Will be done.

Hannah

Living.

I can't. I can't keep living like I want Christ, but I want the World too. I can't. Because it is God on one side of the balance, and everything else on the other. Being a disciple of Christ means to surrender EVERYTHING. You would have to give up your life! It's being totally surrendered to Him. 

"You must transfer all that you are, and all that you have, to all that HE is."

Have you counted the cost? Have you realize how big and great God is, and will you be willing to sacrifice everything you have because you know the surpassing worth in knowing Christ? Because no matter what happens after life, wherever you go, God will be glorified, no matter what. 

It's scary, for me, for the past couple of months, it's been an intense ride. I hadn't realize the reality of it all, but a glimpse of the reality of how tough it will be. But would I be willing to give it all up because of Christ? Will I be willing to sacrifice all that I have, in knowing Him? Am I willing to be totally surrendered to Him. 

 Why wouldn't I? Why shouldn't I? He had redeemed me from eternal condemnation, from eternal pain and fire. For my sins had been washed away, by one atoning death. The death of the Son, the Son of God.

How immense God's love is for us that He would be willing to send His Son, God's Son, He's no ordinary man, but He is God's Son. Yet, two thousand years ago, it was my sins that had nailed Him on the cross. It was me, that had shamelessly condemned the One who paid for my sin, it was me and my evil desires that had cause God to turn away from His Son, His only Son. It was me, the sin within me, shamelessly, joyfully mocking Christ as He paid for my sins. It's sickening. 

Sin is sickening, but yet we keep running back to it, we keep tangling ourselves with sin, and just enjoying the moments of being like the world, being liked by people. But we're not suppose to be like the world, Christians are suppose to be set apart, because they have the Holy Spirit in them. And ultimately, Christians would be hated by the World, for the world first hated Christ. And yet we strive to be liked by other. Of course, if the world hates us, the Christians, it wouldn't be because they were horrible drivers on the road, or because they were holding up a queue in the supermarket for silly reasons, but they would be hated because of Christ, because they believe in Christ. They hadn't done anything wrong but the world hates them, because of Christ. Christ was hated thought He hadn't done anything wrong. He was hated because He was helping others, that.. pretty crazy. 

There's so much to learn, so much to look forward to. Though the journey may be rough and bumpy and hard, for me, I take comfort in knowing that God is sovereign, that no matter what, He guides me, He strengthens me, He gives me the peace. That no matter what, He is glorified. And I pray, that I will glorify Him and not myself, for I am nothing, but He is, everything.

Hannah

Uphill.

Sometimes you're just so tired of this uphill battle, and it's scary. Like a roller coaster ride, the higher it takes you, the longer it'll fall, the faster it'll go, and the scarier it'll get. But everything's so messed up now, honestly, I don't know whether I'm going through the uphill battle, or just falling downwards. 

Like a cup of water that was filled to the brim, yesterday's episode of everyone just screaming, shouting and scolding each other, it was some someone decided to pour a full bucket of water into a small cup, until it overflowed. My head turned on me and my eyes failed me then. Suddenly all of the haunted thoughts that I had hidden at the back of my head decided that it wanted to be heard, my plans of wanting to deal with all of the thoughts after my exams failed miserably. And that was it, Hannah breaking down. All the stress, the pressure, the insane weight of decisions needed to be made, just spilled over. Worst part was the timing. 

I promised myself that I would never go back to the way it was last time, how badly I was affected and how badly I responded to the situation. And now, I haven't gotten there, though times are hard now, somehow there's always a strength pushing me forward, and that is Christ's strength in me. Though sometimes I feel down, or worthless, but yet, I know, there's someone greater, someone much more knowledgeable than everyone else, that holds my future. That doesn't mean I sit around doing nothing, but I have to do my part too, by spending time with the Word, to know what is His Will in my life. 

I've got 8 months left of college, I'm not sure what to feel about it. Mixed feelings I would say, excited for a new chapter in life, though still very unclear, and maybe even unwilling to let go of this phrase of my life. 

10 months into life as a college student, some people say that college was the best part of life. It certainly was a journey of experience for me, with just a mere 10 months, it had taught me to value friendship, value time, and value every small moment spent with each person. It showed me that people still care, that they're concern about your well-being. It motivated me to work for what I wanted. 

This time next year, on the 12th of October 2013, I don't know where I'll be at, whether overseas or at a hostel of a local university, or maybe even back home. It's the first time that the future of where I'll be being so unclear and foggy. But as time passes, I know it'll start to clear. And wherever I'll be in a years time, all I'm praying is that I don't lose sight of the One who laid down His life for me on Calvary. That I won't be immune to the fact that Christ paid the ransom for my life, that I will still be walking faithfully in my walk with God. 

Preserve me, God, in my walk.

Hannah

Three quarters.

And just like that, three quarters of the year is gone. It's the final 3 months left of the year. Reflecting about the year, what have I done.

To classify the first three quarters of the year, I would say that time really did flew by. It's hard to comprehend how fast it flew by, and now we're in October already. It had been a roller coaster ride but nevertheless, still more ups than downs. Or rather, I'd rather remember the ups than the downs. The downfall of life was harsh and sudden. But what do you do when you have such an unexpected downhill moment? For me, it was tough, and there was a constant struggle to remind myself of Christ, reminding myself of Christ's work on the Cross, and telling myself that no matter what, look towards Christ, trust God. 

It's hard though, to tell myself to trust in something I can't see. But that's what faith is, and though my faith isn't as strong as some pastor or the apostles, it's growing, and that's what matters. 

The downhill moments that I had experience had taught me that when I'm weak, God is strong, and truly, in my weakness, His strength will not forsake me. To keep reminding myself of God's grace and God's mercy upon my life. 

Through this rough patch, God's strength is really pulling me on, going forward, knowing that there's nothing to fear. 

Trials is in less than 2 weeks, unprepared, and I know how important this is. 

Whatever it is, do it for the glory of God, not for self. 

Hannah

September

Have you ever told yourself, "this isn't how it's suppose to be?"

The journey of faith, the process of finding yourself. Its tough, and honestly, sometimes I feel so lost, so abandoned, so alone. How did everything got to where it is now? How did everything end up this way. 

The hardest part is knowing the Truth, and knowing that what I grew up being taught wasn't the Truth. It's tough that it feels like I have to go against what I was raised in. Its hard, and it's scary to not know what lies ahead of me. To not know what the future hold, because I won't be able to prepare for it. But then again, I know who holds the future. And all I need to do is to trust the Creator, to know that God is sovereign and whatever comes my way, it is upon His Will and not mine. 

I don't know what lies ahead, but as I laid my head down yesterday night, I had imagined myself needing to choose a side. How has it all come to this?
And so I often tell myself,
Remember the Cross? Remember the innocent blood shed for my sins? Remember how I am bought with a price? Remember how Christ had paid the ransom?
Looking at Christ's work on the Cross, Looking at God's grace and mercy upon my life, Looking at the Holy Spirit's work in me.
And all I could do is thank the Lord. And even that is not enough.

Do we run? Or do we stand up for the Truth?
I don't want to be constantly account my spiritual walk with God based on my feeling. Because feeling fluctuates, but one thing that remains the same is God, His Love, and His amazing grace towards my life.

These internal struggles, they're hard and frustrating, but then again, theres joy. JOY!
Rejoicing in the Lord, Joy that God had given me the grace to opened up my eyes to the things unseen. Joy that because of Christ, I now stand justified.

As I begin to understand why it is not going to be possible for me to stay there the rest of my life. I slowly begin to disagree with what I was being taught. I begin to feel upset and disappointed in how I had lived my whole life a lie because of it. I begin to feel mad and then hopeless. What can I do? What am I suppose to do? And again, what can I do?

God is sovereign.

Hannah

Seriously.

No one takes me seriously enough. 

I want to ask people about their life stories, about who or what made them who they are today. I want to hear their life stories, to listen about how they went through their struggles, I want to know what was their strength and their motivation. What had pulled them through that rough patch in their lives. 

I was watching a video on a prematured born baby just now, after she was born, she had tubes all over her. she wasn't expected to survive, but she did. For nearly a year before she left Earth. With only a mere few months old of age, she had undergone 3 major surgeries, including an open heart surgery. Just looking at how tiny she were and her little, fragile body surrounded by tubes, I was just imagining what she had felt. Which obviously I would say that she wouldn't remember? 

With that video, I was reminded of someone. I was too young a that time to understand, but being older now, I could only remember bits and pieces of what had happened last time. Imagine having to pull the plug on life support for your child, because you don't want them to suffer anymore. Because the pain in their eyes were just unbearable. Imagine having your child breathe their last in your arms. 

There's so much pain and suffering in the world. And in the midst of this, Christ had went through sufferings and even death too as he hung on the cross for my sins. And as he died, God couldn't even look at Him, but had to turn his face away from Christ. And even at Christ's weakest moment, God had to turn away from Him. Imagine the pain and hurt then. But Christ obeyed and submitted to His Father's will. 

This life is not mine to live, let Your will be my will. 

Hannah

Knowing.

We all like knowing things, thing unrelated, related, facts, gossip, everything.

Results for my May exams will be out tomorrow, and I'm expecting 2 eyes full of tears when I get it. I'm terrified, I'm afraid, I'm sick to my guts. I know that I had given my all during the exams, but somehow now, it felt like it wasn't my best, that it'll never be good enough. 

Thinking about 6 years ago, knowing my results and how tears just sprang to my eyes, how it stung and how much it hurts. Then am reminded about my feelings 3 years ago, where the same situation had happened, even before I had gotten my results, I was already tearing up like a baby. After all these, earlier this year in March, remembering how I had once again disappointed myself. Sitting my the drain, on the phone with my mom, remembering how my voice broke while I talked. 

After all these, I begin to think about all the small moments in high school where tears just left my eyes, all the monthly,or yearly exams that I didn't do well in. Remembering especially my trials when I got back my Malay paper, thinking that this results can't be true, then wondering how am I going to apply for college or even scholarship with that single sucky result for that paper. 

These thoughts just circulate around my head, as another popped up, knowing that no matter what, I can't change the past, I can only strive to work harder. And remembering that my biggest problem, the problem with sin had been resolved on the Cross at Calvary two thousand years ago by my Saviour, Christ. Remembering that no matter what, these results, in the end would just be a piece of paper, it would just be in useless and pointless in the end. When Christ comes again, He wouldn't judge me by that piece of paper that describe my grades, but He'll judge me based on the talent that God had given to me, and how I've put them into good use, or just bury it in the ground. 

Sometimes, I just wished, hoped that I'll actually be good at something. Sports, studies, or musically inclined. Instead, I'm just stuck in the middle, horrible sports player, moderately average kid in school, and a total fool with instruments. I wondered if I actually haven't found out what I'm actually good at, or if I'll just be this average kid forever. I mean, not everyone can be Einstein, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and all right? 

But thinking about it again, If I were excellent at something would I still have time for God? Would I still want to believe in Him? And re-thinking that thought, God has His plans for me, maybe it won't be a grand thing, or a grand gesture, but God sees the heart, while men sees the outside, the certs and the skills. 

"To the one who is given more, more will be expected of him," So maybe I won't be the honourable student who gets into Oxford or Cambridge(not that I'm even thinking of it), but I could just do my part, of sharing the gospel, living out a life that is modelled after Christ. To love the ones in need, and help them. Just to show God's love to the people around me. Because Christ had first loved me. 

Lord, whatever happens tomorrow, happens. But keep reminding me of Your great love, Your mercy and grace that's shown upon my life. To know that while everyone else, including myself look at the grades on that soon to be useless piece of paper, that You look at the resources given to me. Help me to be reminded to store up treasures in heaven and not treasures on earth. To transform and not conform to the pattern of the World, but to stand up, and willingly be different. To show Your love to others, to help them in their time of need. Help me to be reminded of the Cross, that no matter what, the Cross has been that major turning point in my life, and to not turn back to my old ways, but continue to walk this path with You, learning to trust You. 

Hannah

Snow.

Sometimes all of it still feels like a bad dream. It feels as though I would wake up and it'll all be gone. But the past had already happened, and that's the way it is now.

We all want second chances, but second chances are rare, and they are hard to come by. So grab hold of it before its gone. Christ came and gave us a second chance. God has shown His grace to all of us on earth by Christ's death on the cross. And yet, we don't grasp the importance and urgency of this matter. We live life as it is, purging into the pleasures of the world. We don't realise how soon the end will come, we don't know when, but we're not exactly prepared for it either, and the worst part is that we're not even doing anything to prepare for the second coming of Christ.

I need to learn to grasp the urgency of this matter, and be prepared, for no one knows when the Master will return, and when He does, will be see a sight of His servants working well or will He see them wasting away the time and talents He had given them? How will He see me? 

It's an internal battle between the flesh and the Spirit.


Hannah

Rain.

Was driving in the pouring rain today, I had a very limited vision on the road, it was scary to not know what lies ahead of me. Was praying for protection on my way back.

Very similarly, but yet again, so differently, I had realize that my walk with God is similar. I don't know what lies ahead of me, but yet, God knows. And no matter what, it comes down to your decision on whether to trust Him, or to trust yourself. But all we could see is the smaller picture, we could only see the road that we're driving on just before we reached, but He could see the whole stretch. He could see the road we're at, the direction we're going to take, and most importantly, the end point in which we will reach. 

Going with our instincts will get us somewhere else, but are we willing to trust God with our lives? No holding back, but all in His hands. Am I willing to do that? Have you counted the cost of following Christ? Have you fully understood His 'terms and conditions'? Backing out half way, just meant that you weren't even serious in the first place. 

Words are simpler than actions.

Hannah

High School.

I miss them.  I miss these people whom I have been with for more than 3-4 years of my life.

They know me, they know what I’m feeling and they know how to deal with me even when I don’t know what’s going on in my own life.

Its different without them, but yet everyday I’m trying to survive. I’m trying hard not to compare them with people that I’ve just met, because it isn’t fair. They had years beside me to know me, and new friends now.. they’re just not the same.

They left me alone for days, then come back, wondering if I’m okay when all they did was left me alone to lick my wounds. These high schools friends that I’ve bonded with, I know, that they would never leave me alone. Even when I’m in one of my moods and just want to be alone, they would be there, just for me.

They know all the right words to say to me. They know my thoughts even when I don’t say anything. They encouraged me and believed in me when I don’t believe in myself. They are most confident in me when I have the least self confidence.

Yet, despite all my moods, craziness, tears, laughing till our sides hurts and random bursting out in songs, they love me, for who I am, not who I want to be, not who they want me to be.

Things are just.. different, without them by my side. 

Hannah

Distress.

I never thought that I needed to be rescued. By this I don't mean spiritually because I need all the spiritual help I can get. But by this I meant physically or mentally. I never thought that I would need to be rescued from my own thoughts.

These thought that haunts me, it makes me oblivious of the facts that are happening around me, makes me.. Just not who I am.

But what had happened yesterday, I could pretend to be fine and be strong for everyone else. But behind the closed door of my hiding place, I began to crumble and fall. Trembling, because I was just so afraid of it all. Fearful but thankful that nothing had happened to me physically.

I never thought that I'll be needing someone to save me from myself, but now.. I'm not so sure anymore.

Hannah

Stripped.

"8. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith- 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection , and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain resurrection from the dead. "

-Philippians 3:8-11

Imagine yourself stripped of everything, all that you owned, all that you loved, the people, the awards, the honour, the house that you lived in, the car that you own, the branded suit that you wear. 

Imagine one day, everything is taken away from you, and you're left with nothing. Who would you still be? Would you still be giving all glory to God? Would you still be praising Him? 

That's a tough question, I would love to answer that I'll still be praising God for my life, still be giving glory to Him, still be happy and joyful for that fact that I still have Christ. I would love to answer that way, but, it's easy to say it, when you're not experiencing it. If it really was to happen, honestly, I don't know what I'm going to react towards it. 

For Paul, in the passage above, he counts everything loss and count them as rubbish because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus. That would be saying that, everything you owned now, you'll be willing to throw it all away, considered as rubbish. Worthless. Imagine just throwing away all your hard-earned degrees, burning them away, or giving up your house, your wealth, all of it, because its not worth anything to you, compared to knowing Christ. 

If anyone were to do that now, I would probably think that they're insane! But I admired Paul's conviction and faith, maybe even a little jealous of it. He counts everything as rubbish, so that he may gain Christ, to be found in Christ, to have the righteousness that comes through faith in Christ, to know Christ, to know the power of Christ's resurrection, to share Christ's sufferings, to become like Christ in His death, and to attain resurrection from the dead. 

Paul had saw that everything was nothing to him, because he had found Christ, he had found the one who saves, the one who forgives, the one whom had shown grace and mercy to him. 

Because of the fact that we have everything now, truly, we ave nothing at all. We think that we have a comfortable life, that we have everything, but we don't. we have nothing. But the one who has Christ, he have everything though he owns nothing. 

I can't imagine taking my bunch of certificates and burning them, I can't because even though God deserve all glory through my achievements, a little part of me still feels like, it was all my effort. And that shouldn't be the way, because without Christ, heck, I wouldn't even be alive to be having these certificates. Without God's grace and mercy upon my life, I'll probably be squashed like an ant by God because of my sinful nature. It's easier to say all these, then to be firmly convicted by these facts. I know what I'm suppose to feel, but yet, sometimes, I just feel so.. distant. 

I want to know You, Lord. I want to know about Your amazing grace. To choose You, at an instant, instead of choosing the World. To know that everything I thought was a gain to be, that it was just, rubbish. To trust You during my difficulties, praising You in both my ups and downs moments. To know that precious treasure that saved my soul. But according to Your will, not mine. Your timing, not mine. 

Hannah

Weary.

I think I've lost it. I've lost touch of the world, I've lost touch of the things that used to make me happy, I've lost touch of.. everyone around me. I'm losing it. And all I'l have left will just be the memories. And everyone else around me moving on, I'm just left behind, while they forget that I had ever existed. 

I need a day, a getaway, alone. Just me and my thoughts then maybe, just maybe I'll be able to sort out all these things that run through my mind. I need a getaway. Alone. Maybe not to sort out my mind, but just to get away from all these. 

Today marks my last day of my first semester in college. Plenty of good times, plenty of good memories made in this short five months, plenty of friendships bonded and plenty of good laughs. Even as my last paper was handed up, and everyone left the examination hall with a burst of laughter, chatter and excitement as the whole month of June is a time for break. But yet, passing people talking about their papers and what not, I don't feel their excitement, I don't feel happy at all, for that matter. 

I'm sick and tired of feeling like this. 

I really am. 

I would love to laugh till I cry again.

I just wished you would have the same confidence in me as you have in him.

Hannah

Mistakes.

We've all made mistakes, some cost more than others. And whether you've experienced it before, or you will one day, that one small mistake is going to cost you a lot. It's gonna take up your time thinking about it, it's going to take up your sleep because insomnia creeps in, it's going to take up your tears, and all you'll be thinking was, 'how did it ever got so bad?' 'what had I done?'

How did it ever got so bad?

How did everything suddenly take a huge turn on me? Honestly, I don't know. All I'm trying to do now is trust God, but maan, even that is so hard! How do I do that? 

Everyday, I try to put on a brave face, but yet my thoughts doesn't seem to leave me. Half the time that I'm sitting there, just staring into space. I'm there, but I'm not there anymore. I honestly do not know what's wrong with me. 

I just want it all to end, I want to put a stop to all these drama and nonsense so that eveything can be better again. I want to talk to you guys again, but I know, I'm in no position to do any of that. Because I've messed up and this time, I really don't know if it's fixable. If only you knew how everytime you post that you're upset or frustrated, I wanted to say something, I had wanted to give you some kind words. Maybe because I'm a coward, but really, who am I to say anything? You don't even consider me as a friend anymore. 

I know you hate me, and at this point, I kinda hate myself too. but I'm not regretting the decision I've made because it had made me realize that this life, shouldn't even be about me. I want to put it behind us. Maybe one day we might even laugh this off, but for now, all I'm just doing is the opposite of laughing. 

I'm losing sleep, and I'm terrified that, that part of me will come back to haunt me. I'm terrified of going back there. It was my fault. 

It's not enough to say I'm sorry.

Hannah

Surrender.

I had realize that I haven't been surrendering all I have, all I am, all to Christ.
I had been holding on, with a tight grasp on things that I love, things that I want to have control over. I didn't want to have no control over anything. I wanted some sense of control, some sense of ownership over this life of mine. But trusting God meant that I let everything go. Place all my fears, my worries, my burdens, all to Him. And trust Him completely. To know that my future, is in His hands, and whatever He has for me, is in accordance to His Will, and not mine.

I've been holding on to ownership of this life that's not even mine to begin with. This life that was ransomed and bought with the precious blood of Christ. A price paid with the life of a sinless man, the life of the Son of God himself. And yet, with this life that is not even my own, but this life that is owed ALL back to God, yet I still can't fully trust Him. Yet, I'm still holding on to earthly things that has become my treasure, when it is commanded that I not store up treasure of the World, but treasures in Heaven.

The Gospel Of Christ is insulting to some people as it teaches that we are all sinner. We all deserve death, and wrath and hell. That surely isn't a nice thing to hear. But the Gospel sure do change people. it separates people and families. But in the end, it brings glory all back to God Himself.

It's tough. and I do feel like I'm alone in this matter. But I know I'm not. I'm afraid, because I too, am human with feelings. I'm terrified. I really am.

Help me, to surrender all.

Hannah

Heartful.

"They just weren't there when I needed them to. " - 1 April 2011 "Struggles"

It's so hard, so hard to love, to care for someone or someoneS who just doesn't seem to care about you at all. And in return, blames you for everything. Isn't friendship a two way thing? I'll admit that I hadn't done my part, but I was afraid, I was alone in this, when you all had each other. And yet, you didn't try either. Please, don't put all the blame on me.

How do you love them, How did Christ even loved us? We are sinners, and He is righteous, blameless, pure, yet he still cared for us. He healed the sick, the ones who were rejected by the crowds. When the Pharisees asked His disciples why did Jesus eat with sinners, one thing that came into my mind was that, no matter who Jesus ate with, no matter who He was with, He was surrounded by sinners. Yet in a fallen world, He didn't fall. But he chose to obey His Father's command by taking on the sins of everyone, and suffering the wrath of God on that cross.

Even up to the time when He was dying, He prayed for us, that God forgives us. But yet it's so hard for us to love someone even when Christ had shown such great love on the cross. Why? Because our pride and our ego takes over, and that small little part of us, deep deep inside, somehow, somewhere, think that we might just be better than them. Or we had expected them to be better than that.

Help me love them.

Hannah

Push.

But that’s what I do. I push people away. I'm constantly afraid that they are going to hurt me. I’m always scared that I’m going to hurt them. So I make them leave, and if they don’t then I’ll leave. I'm scared of getting too close to someone. Afraid of getting too far, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of hurting them, afraid of losing a friend. But pushing them away doesn’t help me in keeping that friendship, instead it makes it worst, there’s tension and friction or even some rough edges that no one could explain.

But what comes down to the most important is after all, Christ. I mean, really, what else can be greater than Him?

The whole week has just been depressing. For 2 weeks I’ve just been thinking and.. just thinking. I feel annoying, like I’ve just been annoying everyone. And I feel like they’re beginning to give up on me. 

Everything is so uncertain, I feel like I've screwed everything up. But then one thought comes in, Trust God. Everything happens for a reason

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.

.

.

I can't even think straight to even write a proper post. 

I'm messed up, Lord, I need help. 

Hannah

Timing.

April. April fifteenth to be exact as I'm writing this now. 

It's been four months since 2012 started and honestly, I really don't know what to say about it. Depressing, spiritually. But I'm having "fun" physically and that in itself, is so much more depressing.

The amount of things that had happened in thus short four months, someone could probably write a book on that. Because everything's messed up. And the past just comes back to haunt you. Maybe that's why you shouldn't run from the past in the first place. Maybe that's why conflicts were resolved at an instance, and not dealt with years later. 

I need to understand that Christ is enough. He is more than enough. He is sufficient. Even though He's not here, but God left His Word, His precious Word to me, for me to read, to understand, to know Him in a deeper way, more than what is just at the surface. But yet, everyday, I take God's grace and God's mercy for granted. I take every breathing moment for granted thinking that I probably "deserved" to live this life, the way I want it to. But what do I really deserve? I deserve death, I deserve God's wrath upon my life. I don't deserve life, I don't deserve to live. Heck, I don't deserve to live in a good condition that I have roof over my head, or even a bed to sleep in. I don't deserve any of it. But yet, God has given it to me. For what reason? Only to glorify His name. 

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Hannah

Not mine.

Honestly, I never through I'll have to struggle so much. Ever since I have a life, things are hard to do. Hard to find time to spend with the Creator. And heck, I'm struggling in so many areas. But then, this life is not mine to live. This life of 'mine' had been bought with a price, it had been ransomed by the blood of an innocent man. It had caused the death of the Son of Man. And through that death, I am no longer a slave to sin, but I am, (or supposed to be) a slave to righteousness. Through the death of Christ, we are set free. 

You would owe your life to someone who had convinced you not to end your life. Wouldn't you owe so so so much more to someone who had saved your whole eternity? But yet, we go on, sinning and doing things that is not pleasing to God. Yet, we still live as if Christ is not coming again. We still live as though God hadn't shown His grace and His mercy upon our lives. We are ignorant to the fact that every waking moment of our lives is a part of God's grace and God's mercy. 

Christ's walk into Jerusalem, His last supper with His disciples, His fervent prayer in Gethsemane, His walk to Calvary, His cry of forgiveness of behalf of us. What does all that mean to us? Or does it even mean anything that Christ had died? What does the cross mean? How does that death of Christ effect us? It effects us more that we know. Because our whole lives should be about Christ death, His resurrection. God's wrath, but also God's mercy and God's love. 

Lord, I need your strength, your wisdom. 

Hannah

Punches.

So punch me. I know you want to do it. I know you've always wanted to do it. Probably the only thing stopping you is the fact that I'm a girl. But it seem like I could be the only girl that have ever made you feel like punching them.

Go ahead and give me a black eye, it's not like I'll care anyway. As long as you feel better, I'm alright. I mean, honestly, it's just a black eye, it'll heal sooner or later.

I'm tired of saying sorry. I'm tired of apologizing for the same stupid thing I did years ago. So I stopped apologizing. Because if I do and if I start to continuously say that I'm sorry, that 5 letter word of apology will soon lose it's meaning.

I'm messed up. I know that. No need to remind me about how screwed up I am. But I'm trying. And by God's grace and His Strength. I know, that I'll make it through. And even if I don't, everything happens for His glory, not mine.

Deep breaths. 

Hannah

Satisfaction.

Results was out last wednesday. My very last high school major exam's result came out. I was nervous. For me, bad results will not only cause me to not be able to apply for schlorships, but it'll also mean that I'll be disappointing my parents. Not that they will show it or anything.

Before it I was excited to get my result, after a whole 4 months of waiting and almosts 3 months of getting on with my life as a college student, I was excited to know how I did so that I could finally close that chapter of life and move on. Excitement became nervousness about a week before the result. Sleepleaa nights for the whole week, and thought that were just doubting myself, I started to count the numbers of A's I might get and suddenly got worried because I thought I would do badly.

Working hard for nearly 2 years, through my 16 and 17 year old life while all others were out playing and hanging out. I really wanted to score. I wanted to make my parents proud. I didn't want sad and dissatisfied tears when I got my results.

In the end, results was alright. I wouldn't use 'good' because I wasn't satisfied with it. But heck, my parents were proud. they were estatic. I wasn't. Remembering the tears when I took my result slip, sat down by the drain as I called my mom. counting the number of A's I had gotten, And then realizing that I', not even eligible for the schlorship I was aiming for because A- doesn't count when giving schlorship. It was so near yet so far. Within my grasps, but yet I couldn't reach it. Mom was happy, I don't know if she ever heard my voice crack while talking to her.

It was a sunny day that day, and after I hung up with my mom, texted my dad, my teachers and all that. I buried my face in both my palm, maybe i was hoping that my palm would absord all that salty water flowing from my eyes, but the skin doesn't work that way. Looking at my results slip now, there still is a stain of water droplet at the bottom of it.

The point is that, we'll never be satisfied, because true satisfaction comes from Christ sacrifice. How much pain Christ bore was on Calvary, that alone should satisfy us. Because of that sacrifice, our sins are forgiven, because of that we have power over sin. and us sinning again, meant that we choose to sin, because we are no longer slaves to sin, but slaves to righteousness.

There's been a lot of talk about priorities, and my thoughts about it too. and to be completely honest, Christ is not my priority. and that's really bad. Constantly busy with homeworks and assignments and exams, there's a constant deadline for all these things. But what's important that we, I included don't know is that, the deadline for when Christ returns, that's nearer than we know. That's soon, and we don't know when, thats why we dont sense the urgency in it. Because there is no exact date for when He returns, while our work has an exact date for it to  be due.

So, how do you make Christ priority? Probably by sensing the urgency in it. By knowing the NEED for us to preach the Word instead of conforming to the world. And it's so hard.

Pray. Like mad.

Hannah

Vents.

"There are two different types of people that I've met. One is the ones who look down on me. And the other is the ones who have expectations of me that are crazily high. And most of the time, I'm just stuck in the middle, trying to prove to the ones who look down on me wrong and that I am actually more capable than they had imagined. And proving right to the ones who have high expectation of me so that they won't be disappointed by me. I'm tired and I really need to rest. I need to just be alone.

Every year, every single year, I'll get caught up in the same sticky situation that I absolutely hate. The only difference is that it's with different people. I need time to think about why I keep getting myself tangled up in all these. Every single year! And I'm tired of it. I just want to brush everything off. Some people have it so easily. They can be themselves and not get caught by all these. It seemed to me like I was a prone target of being teased. I don't mind it, really. It's just that I really don't want to get tangled up.

I try, and I work and nothing seems to happen. I work my butt off and all I get is a disappointing results. sometimes I feel like I'm a disappointment to my parents. But I'm trying, and I'm trying to hard to please them, but.

I feel insulted every time someone thinks that a certain someone is my boyfriend, I mean really? What is wrong with me being alone? Is it a vibe that I send that causes them to think that way?

I just needed to vent. I'm upset. Im feeling numb. But thank you for listening. "

:'(

Hannah

Sufferings.

True happiness comes through suffering, because without it, how are we ever going to understand what happiness is?
That is why it is through Christ's suffering on the cross that causes us to understand happiness IN Christ.
Because we died with Christ was made alive with Him, thus, we should know what rejoicing in Christ means.

But the truth is, we don't. We don't rejoice in the resurrection of Christ. We don't. Because we DON'T understand the depth of suffering that Christ had to go through for us.
We know that He took our sins, we know that God's face turned away from Him as Christ died. But we don't know how much it hurts. We don't know the real depth of His love.
We don't understand it because we're blinded by our own sinful desires.
We're blinded by the things of the world that captures our eyes.
The shiny an glittery worldy treasures that doesn't even last!

Christ died and in that, we should rejoice.
I should rejoice.
But I'm not, because I'm still sinful, I'm still captivated by the world.
But I'm trying to be. And by His help, His grace and His mercy, maybe one day. I'll truly be happy because of what He had done for me.

Hannah

Misunderstands.

Everyone's struggling, whether they mention it out loud or not.
Respect them because you don't know what they're going through.

Hannah

Never Good Enough.

" I'm not good in anything, I'm not incredible at sports, or an athlete. I'm not excellent in my academics, I'm not talented in music nor do I play any musical instruments like a pro. I'm not sociable and i get mad easily. I'm too emotionally connected and certain things that people say keeps me thinking about it for weeks, not just days, but weeks. I feel like I'm never gonna be good enough. I'm never gonna be someone people want as a part of their life. I never got any achievements that I could really be proud about and I just wished that there was something, something that I can actually do, something that I'm really good at, something that people will turn to me and finally tell me, 'good job.' And I'm wishing on something that is probably never going to happen. But I'm just wishing, you know?"

:'(

Why do we keep trying to build up treasures on Earth? Why do we store up on things that will not last forever? Why do we search for things to fill our void when only one person can really satisfy? Why am I doing that?
Wouldn't it be a greater and much more wonderful thing to hear our Lord God, the one who created us tell us, "well done, good and faithful servant."? We are constantly looking for ways to please ourselves, but what are we doing to please God? How is our actions pleasing to Him? How does our actions point to Christ? We're just pointing to ourselves, wanting the glory all back to us and not to God when He really deserve ALL glory. Why should He not? He created you, He gave you talents, He cleansed you from your sins. But all that Christ had sacrificed, doesn't seem to be enough for us.

I'm upset with the fact that I lost my temper, I'm upset that I can't help everyone who is hurting. I'm upset that I can't even keep my friends. Then again, why is everything about me? Christ has a plan and whatever it is, I should rejoice instead. I just.. I can't believe I lost my temper.

Hannah

At This Moment.

How do you do it? Do you choose one person over the other? Or do you just go with the flow? How exactly do you manage your time properly between two groups of friends?

How do you hang out with everyone and still are good friends with the ones you hang with? How do you befriend new people without being critised by your old friends? How do you stand up and tell them about what you're feeling when you're just so sick and tired of it all?

What do you do?

Hannah

Eighteen.

My eighteen birthday wasn't as grand as others would be. But it didn't matter.
I spent my day doing homework as the weekend before i was away.
What is the significance of being eighteen? Even I'm not to sure. But going through a month of college, I'm exhausted.
Piled up with home works and things to do, I'm not even sure what to do anymore.

I'm struggling through this time, and there is only ONE solution, Christ.
However things are, Christ is sufficient. or HE is suppose to be sufficient, but because of our sinful desires, our constant pleasures to be of the world that causes us to keep filling our void with things that are not from God, instead we fill it with things of the world when really, we all have that one precious thing. we have Christ as our saviour. And I need to remember that, because when everything fails, God doesn't. And I need to trust him.

Have you ever prick your finger on a needle? scrape your knee when you fell, it hurts doesn't it?
Now imagine a nail, penetrating through your wrist as you hang on it. 2 wrist, 2 nails, and another 2 more going through your feet. As you hang, people watch you die.
Many times, people don't think about the cross, I too, am so guilty of it. We don't want to think about the Cross because it reflect on our wrongs. But we don't realise that the Cross also reflect on how worthless and how we are nothing and Christ is everything.

When are we going to realize that Christ is enough, that He is sufficient?
When am I going to realise that?

Hannah

Rush.

We don't realize how short life is, we don't realize that just by a blink of an eye, everything fades away. Because one day, one fine day, what if we don't wake up from our sleep?
What if one day we got into a fatal accident, what if one day we got so sick that it wasn't even hopeful for you to live? What if.
We don't understand how precious every second spent with family and friends are. With just one second, your whole life changes. Every second, every minute and every moment spent with someone, without telling them about the love of God, is time wasted away, a slow way of killing them, literally.

 How do you understand God's love? Even I don't understand how in depth and how sacrificial His love towards my life is. Sometimes, I don't understand why in the world would someone like God to sent Christ for me, but I am thankful for it.
Whether it is the common grace given to me, or the saving grace, I am grateful for Christ no matter what.

Why do I love? I love because God first love me, it's hard to love people, but can you imagine the holy God loving us, sinner? Can you imagine Him sending His son for a bunch of rebels like us?
What does it all come down to? To glorify God and to show God in full glory. God is love, but He is also a God of wrath. He cannot tolerate sin, he cannot tolerate our sinful nature, our sinful desires and the way we think that does not glorify Him. Yet, he was willing to sacrifice for us, to show us grace, and mercy.

People we love may just leave our sides anytime, when they do, will they one day look back and turn to you with tears in their eyes, asking you why you didn't tell them about Christ?

 Hannah

2011.

Happy new years everyone. I know I'm a little late but I've been real busy.

Looking back at what last year has been to me, it really made me realise how good God is in my life and how faithful He has been. (though He has always been faithful). As 2011 was an exam year for me, i thought that I would have some mental breakdown because of all the stress, but thank God I didn't. Though I too, struggle to try and keep my studies and my time with God, I sometimes fail but it really was God's grace and strength that i had managed to get through the whole exam period without any breakout whatsoever.

Trusting God has been really clear in 2011 too, just trusting Him and know that whatever comes my way, now or the future, it might not have been in my plan, but it was in God's plan for my life. Whatever decision that was tough to make or whatever situation that I will go through, I've learnt that I have a choice, to face it or to run away from it. This is important reminder to me because so many times I run away from things, and I don't face them head first.

2011 has been a good year. It's hard to believe that a new year has come already, and I'm starting college.. tomorrow, actually. :) I don't feel much being in 2012, but it'll certainly be a good year when God is the center of your priorities.

Hello 2012, and goodbye 2011.

Hannah