Overthinking.

Some people say that overthinking kills you, and maybe they're right. As the year draws to a close, time to whipped out that or start digging for where you left your new year resolution paper that you've made earlier this year and maybe check off some things on the list. 

Me, for one, didn't make one. It was weird because I've always been one that has a list, but busyness had gotten a hold of me this year, that I did not sat down and write a list. But as cliché as it may seem, some points of the new year resolutions repeats itself every year, now, I can't be the only one with that problem, can I?

With SPM ending on the last day of November last year and class started on the 3rd of January 2012, plus I had been travelling a lot last year, there wasn't exactly a "right" time for resolutions. All I knew was I wanted to score in my exams, grow closer in my walk with God, and dream of heading overseas to study. As months passed, my goals became more specific.

Looking back, the year truly had gone by in a breeze, 12 (or 11) full months of books,books,books, and constant worries for exams. From college events such as Orientation Camp, Orientation Ball, Treasure Hunt, first time scoring insanely low on my trials, first external exam, to more heartbreaking moments such as results day, lecturers throwing information at us as we rush through the syllabus for trials, being too worn out everyday in college as it ended with the Musical and good forecast grades. 

There were things that I knew God would take away from me this year, things that I had really wanted, that I had pleaded with God to let me have it. But God in all His sovereignty, obviously, wouldn't allow me to have it. And I'm tremendously blessed that I didn't. It was hard to accept at first, even now actually. But it was truly a blessing in disguise. 

If I had a chance, what would I do differently?

It's a tough questions, I mean, we all have or own share of regrets and mistakes. For me, I guess I'd rather live with the mistakes and regrets that I've made throughout the year and learn from it. And in one way or another, I am glad for the mistakes, I'm glad to have made them, to really see that my view in life is so blurry, and God has the bigger picture. I do admit that I still hold back some stuff and not let God have total control, but I'm learning, we all are.

I'm ending this year with mixed feelings. I want just a glimpse of where I'll be next year, just to prepare myself for the heartbreak. But then, am I trusting my future to God? If I know that He knows what's best for me, then why do I still feel like I want to know where I'll be next year? 

I'm terrified. 

More than I show. It's making me nervous,and sometimes I just want to disappear, to leave and never let anyone know. It's scary to not know my future, and again, I just keep repeating to myself, to trust God. Looking back, He hasn't let me down, and His timings are perfect and truly entrust myself into His Word. To understand that this life here on Earth is just temporary, and my main aim should be about spreading the Gospel anyway. 

HAPPY NEW YEARS! 2013! :D

Hannah