Weary.

I think I've lost it. I've lost touch of the world, I've lost touch of the things that used to make me happy, I've lost touch of.. everyone around me. I'm losing it. And all I'l have left will just be the memories. And everyone else around me moving on, I'm just left behind, while they forget that I had ever existed. 

I need a day, a getaway, alone. Just me and my thoughts then maybe, just maybe I'll be able to sort out all these things that run through my mind. I need a getaway. Alone. Maybe not to sort out my mind, but just to get away from all these. 

Today marks my last day of my first semester in college. Plenty of good times, plenty of good memories made in this short five months, plenty of friendships bonded and plenty of good laughs. Even as my last paper was handed up, and everyone left the examination hall with a burst of laughter, chatter and excitement as the whole month of June is a time for break. But yet, passing people talking about their papers and what not, I don't feel their excitement, I don't feel happy at all, for that matter. 

I'm sick and tired of feeling like this. 

I really am. 

I would love to laugh till I cry again.

I just wished you would have the same confidence in me as you have in him.

Hannah

Mistakes.

We've all made mistakes, some cost more than others. And whether you've experienced it before, or you will one day, that one small mistake is going to cost you a lot. It's gonna take up your time thinking about it, it's going to take up your sleep because insomnia creeps in, it's going to take up your tears, and all you'll be thinking was, 'how did it ever got so bad?' 'what had I done?'

How did it ever got so bad?

How did everything suddenly take a huge turn on me? Honestly, I don't know. All I'm trying to do now is trust God, but maan, even that is so hard! How do I do that? 

Everyday, I try to put on a brave face, but yet my thoughts doesn't seem to leave me. Half the time that I'm sitting there, just staring into space. I'm there, but I'm not there anymore. I honestly do not know what's wrong with me. 

I just want it all to end, I want to put a stop to all these drama and nonsense so that eveything can be better again. I want to talk to you guys again, but I know, I'm in no position to do any of that. Because I've messed up and this time, I really don't know if it's fixable. If only you knew how everytime you post that you're upset or frustrated, I wanted to say something, I had wanted to give you some kind words. Maybe because I'm a coward, but really, who am I to say anything? You don't even consider me as a friend anymore. 

I know you hate me, and at this point, I kinda hate myself too. but I'm not regretting the decision I've made because it had made me realize that this life, shouldn't even be about me. I want to put it behind us. Maybe one day we might even laugh this off, but for now, all I'm just doing is the opposite of laughing. 

I'm losing sleep, and I'm terrified that, that part of me will come back to haunt me. I'm terrified of going back there. It was my fault. 

It's not enough to say I'm sorry.

Hannah

Surrender.

I had realize that I haven't been surrendering all I have, all I am, all to Christ.
I had been holding on, with a tight grasp on things that I love, things that I want to have control over. I didn't want to have no control over anything. I wanted some sense of control, some sense of ownership over this life of mine. But trusting God meant that I let everything go. Place all my fears, my worries, my burdens, all to Him. And trust Him completely. To know that my future, is in His hands, and whatever He has for me, is in accordance to His Will, and not mine.

I've been holding on to ownership of this life that's not even mine to begin with. This life that was ransomed and bought with the precious blood of Christ. A price paid with the life of a sinless man, the life of the Son of God himself. And yet, with this life that is not even my own, but this life that is owed ALL back to God, yet I still can't fully trust Him. Yet, I'm still holding on to earthly things that has become my treasure, when it is commanded that I not store up treasure of the World, but treasures in Heaven.

The Gospel Of Christ is insulting to some people as it teaches that we are all sinner. We all deserve death, and wrath and hell. That surely isn't a nice thing to hear. But the Gospel sure do change people. it separates people and families. But in the end, it brings glory all back to God Himself.

It's tough. and I do feel like I'm alone in this matter. But I know I'm not. I'm afraid, because I too, am human with feelings. I'm terrified. I really am.

Help me, to surrender all.

Hannah