Three.

Third month being here. Third month living by myself. 

Everyday feels so surreal to be here, everyday is a new blessing, reminding myself of how blessed I am to have made it here. 

While a small part of me would love to be prideful and boast on how I managed to travel ten thousand kilometres away from home by myself, but I know that that's not true. Because none of it was my own strength, none of it was my own courage, none of it was my own peace while I left and travelled all the way here. It was all God, none of me. His strength, His courage, His peace within me that had allowed me to go this far. His grace. 

As its 2 days till Christmas, I am reminded of the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of Christ, it's not just a special birth, but this birth signifies the beginning of everything, the beginning of the gospel, the starting of the story of Christ, who came to save and redeem our souls. The beginning of the love of God shown through Christ and that we are able to see it and accept it though the Holy Spirit.

"For to us a child is born, 

to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace"

-Isaiah 9:6

This is the beginning of the One who has no sin, but took away sin on the Cross for us. This is where the hope shines, because now, as Christians we have a certain future, not a worldly one, but a heavenly glorious future with Christ, with God. 

This birth, is the beginning of Christ's walk to the cross. This birth, is so much more glorious than what we make it out to be. The true meaning of this birth doesn't come from the knowledge of Christ's birth, but it come from the heart, when the Holy Spirit convicts you, and let it hit you in the guts, on how gracious our God is, on how glorious this birth signifies, on how merciful the Father is, to have given us the Son, not just the Son, but the Spirit to lead and guide us on as well. 

What does this birth of this special baby two thousand years ago mean to you? What does Christmas mean to you? Just a day to unwrap gifts and spend time with family? What do you hope for most this Christmas, and the New Year to come?

"When I say I'm a Christian, it does not mean that I am holier than thou, 

it just means that I'm someone who has received the grace of God somehow."

Hannah

Different.

There's a difference between someone who's living a life, knowing the grace shown to them, and a person just merely living a life.

There's a difference between someone who's not suppose to be here, but super grateful that they have the opportunity to, and someone who's been planning for year and "meant" to be here.

There's so much difference in the way these two individual live, one with so much gratefulness and overwhelming sense of thanksgiving; the other just living as he should, like how everyone lives, because in the eyes of the world, that's how it is suppose to be.

Walked down a painful memory tonight. Took a stab in the heart feeling like I've lost contact with the rest of the people back home. Feeling a wave of missing everyone I used to talked to back home. Being afraid of going back during the summer because it's just going to be so awkward.

I miss the comfort of home, how easy it is to contact someone, how simple it is to just call someone out to hang out. It was just going out, have a meal and catch up with each other. Oh how I've taken those times for granted.

Short rant to say that I'm missing the peeps back home. I really am.

Hannah

Oct 31.

"Once strangers chasing selfish dreams,

Now one through grace alone. "

Hannah

Bubble.

I miss my bubble. 

I miss living in that little bubble. 

Home; is physically far away from where I am, the people I grew up with, the ones I shared my joys, my struggles with, they're no longer a drive or a call away. Sure, technology has been wonderful lately, but taking in the time difference and their own personal lives back home, it's much simpler to keep in touch, but yet, it's not as easy as you would think it is.

I miss that place where I surrounded myself with people of faith, like-mindedness. People whom I knew their past, people whom I have grown up with to have know what they had went through. People whom I know that knows me just as well.

In this strange country with even stranger culture, I don't fit in, and honestly, I don't want to fit in. I don't want to tell myself that it is okay to do something just because everyone else is doing it. I don't want to blend in with the world, because as a Christian, you're not suppose to blend it, you were suppose to stand out from the crowd. The Christian life tells to die to your earthly self, not once in a lifetime, but daily. To rid of sinful desires daily, to repent and ask for forgiveness from the Heavenly One.

I knew it would be different, but I honestly didn't expect it to be this tough. I didn't think that it would be this different.& I weep for the society, for the culture, for the next generation. For they have/are losing their sense of direction, their knowledge of purity, their belief of faith & Christ. There is no sacredness, no privacy. And it happens because, like me, they're broken.

Like me, wretched, broken, lost, confused.
Like me, a sinner.

But the difference between me and them is that I know I'm broken, I realize my wretchedness, I notice my sinfulness. I understand the need for a great God and an obedient Son. I am in awe of the grace shown by the Father, the love & obedience shown by the Son, on that lowly Cross, where my King was crucified and 3 days later, rose again & ascended to heaven to be with the Father so that the Holy Spirit may dwell in us.

It's been almost 3 years since my slow beginning of true faith in Christ. Some days are joyful days, some days, I just struggle so much, trying as hard as I can to not ask God 'why'. (Who am I, to ask God that?) but to just trust Him, that through whatever obstacles I'm going through, my faith in Him will strengthen instead. Not because I've prayed a lot, not because I read the Bible, but because the Spirit enables me to worship God, the Saviour of my soul that had redeemed my life.

Pray for me, as I continue struggling in this culturally different country. Pray that God persevere me in my faith. But most of all, pray that God's Will be done in my life, that I will be submissive to His Will.

"Foes may hate and friends may shun me,
Show Thy face and all is bright."

Hannah

Set Apart.

"Look carefully then how you walk,

not as unwise, but as wise, 

making the best use of time, 

because the days are evil. "

- Ephesians 5:15-1

As Christians, we are told that we are set apart by God, to do different things as the world do. To react differently to the same situation as how a non-believer would react. Has culture been moulded in so much to what us Christians believe in? Have we become "less rigid" to what the bible say with the excuse that it was written to the people of the olden times and it cannot be applied to the modern culture? How do we draw the line between biblical commandments and modern cultural changes?

How are we to be set apart for Christ? Is it just preaching the Gospel and loving others with the love that Christ had shown on the Cross? What if something had happened that you know it isn't aligned with the commandment of God, what do you do next? Do you keep quiet, holding in the guilt and shame of not being able to stand up, or do you confront the other person? What do you do, if something happened, not to you, but you still feel uncomfortable with it? Should you just keep silence the whole way through, and allow the situation to be a norm?

I fail to be more Christ-like every minute of everyday, I fail to follow the commandment of God each day. But the grace of God seems to be more immense each day, not that the grace had grown more each day, but because I realize of my sinfulness, my filth, my dirt and ugliness on the inside. The darkest part of me that no one sees, God sees them, and is disgusted by them. And the fact that I don't deserve any part of His love and His grace in my life, just have a bigger impact to me.

Which part of me deserved someone to love me unconditionally?
Which part of me deserved the Son of God?
Which part of me deserved the Son of God to die on the Cross for me?
None. I deserve nothing of the above. The truth is that, I am a sinner, I still am. And I deserved death and the ultimate wrath of the Father, for my disobedience, for my greed, my lust, my judgemental heart and mind, my pride, my ego, my sinfulness. But yet Christ came, and through Christ and through the Cross, all that I've failed to be, all that I've failed at, to love others, to obey God's commandments, to worship Him all the days of my life, all of it, Christ fulfilled by living the perfect life, being the perfect sacrifice, for me, for my sins.

I have done nothing to deserve this grace, but yet I receive this grace only through Christ alone. Only through Christ, we can be reconciled to the Father of Creation. And my life, is not enough to be thankful for this grace, because I've failed big time. But Christ hasn't, and God saves. He really do.

All my shame, 
All I've failed to be
Is nailed upon that Cross
And left at Calvary

Hannah

Something.

Cause I know I'm good for something I just haven't found it yet;

& I need it.

Phase of life, not knowing what to do next. I've been there before, too many times.
After years of being lost and confused, not knowing the direction of life, now that University had started, I now know, roughly, (you can never be sure, what if I'm called to missions in the future?) know what lies ahead of me.

I used to be so upset, listening to people talk about their life as if it was all perfectly planned out. And I wondered, why couldn't I have such an interest in one particular subject instead of being so curious about every subject. "Jack of all traits, master of none."

But growing in Christ, I came to realize that it's not the worldly things that matter, though it seemed that way now, but it isn't. As a Christian, the only thing that matter is Christ and showing the love of Christ to others, to love them as Christ loved us. It's tough, it is so tough, impossible even in this lifetime. But by knowing the love of Christ showed to us when we were still sinners, though it is tough, it is something we would want others to know as well.

You're never "not good" at something. There will always be better who are better than you at something, but be reminded that there are people who can't do what you do as well. Some who can't read, because they weren't privileged enough to go to school. It is the little things that you become more aware of and more thankful for.

"The Christian Union is the only society that exist for it's non-members." 
Heard this at an event last week, and how true. Even for the context of church, the church exists, yes, to feed the sheeps, but it also exists for the non-believers.

Hannah

Adventure.

While my heart longed for an adventure

 for the longest time, 

Now that I've gotten it, 

all I wanted to do was go home. 

It's funny how God works. Travelling alone and being away from home has always been want I had wanted for the longest time. Not to escape, but just to see how the world is, beyond my little bubble of ignorance. To live life independently, to learn how to survive in a foreign country, to learn how to cook, to learn how to take care of myself in general. 

It's been four days in this new place, four days spent mostly alone, four days walking around town, doing shopping, going for events, all alone. It's pretty sad and quiet and lonely here, and I am missing home too much, the people, the familiarity of the places, warm and hot food cooked by my mom, and my whole family. 

I am terribly grateful to my parents for this opportunity, but now that I'm here, I sometimes wonder if I should've done twinning instead. Have I rushed into this decision of pursuing my entire tertiary education overseas? Was I too impulsive in all this? I mean, I'm only 19. I haven't even reached a legal age of 21 yet. And yet, God has guided me ten thousand kilometres away from home, to this place where I am forced to call home. 

I thank God for His grace and mercy upon my life, through my whole journey here. I know that He has and He will be there for me, through everything, because He is a sovereign God. No matter what, I know that He has a greater plan, just waiting for me to unravel. 

While I was just happy and contented with how things are back home, God decided to take me out of my comfort zone, out of where I am familiar with, out of where I belong, and put me in this place where everything is brand new, and different. The culture, the people, the things they do here. I was absolutely okay, and ready to take a gap year and stay at home, maybe do a twinning, but I am so blessed to have been given this opportunity to study overseas. And I couldn't be more excited about this. 

Whilst feeling incredibly homesick, I am very grateful. Here I am, 19, going on 20 and having an adventure of a lifetime. Grateful to God for His amazing grace upon my life, for providing me parents who loves and have given their all to me, to be able to give me an experience that they themselves couldn't have. To allow me to live out this dream for an adventure. 

Truly, nothing is better than God's grace, upon my life, when Christ died for my sins, on Calvary. 

Hannah

Blessed.

"& God will bless you 

with all your hearts desires."

How many of you have heard that? For me, I've heard it too many times. But what do your heart desire? What should your heart desire as a Christian?

God does bless us with all that our hearts desires, because all we should desire is God Himself! And He has already given that to us, on the Cross, when the Son of Man came down to Earth as a man, to die for us, not for Himself because He is wholly pure and wholly sinless and wholly blameless.

Trusting in Christ doesn't mean that if you desire wealth, you will get it. NO! Trusting in Christ means that you desire Christ Himself, because really, what other things in this lifetime is more worth while than Christ Himself? 

When we truly desire Christ with all our hearts, everything else is all a blessing. Isn't it a blessing to just be able to wake up without a leaking roof that you can't afford to fix? Or even waking up each morning itself is such a wonderful blessing of life itself. Knowing that in all things, God is sovereign above all. 

The apostle Paul suffered through his lifetime, he suffered more than most of us did and yet, he had so much joy! Joy in Christ, joy in The Lord, knowing that he is suffering for a greater cause of Jesus Christ Himself. And Paul sees beyond his pain and misery, he looks towards Christ. 

Do you really desire Christ? He is all that you need. Do I really desire Him? I am so amazed by God's amazing grace upon my life, and His love towards me that is so unconditional.

Help me, desire you more, through prayer and the reading of Your precious Word.

Hannah

Thoughts.

Stripped of your beautiful gown;

your prefect looking hair;

your glittering accessories;

your pretty touched up face;

and your branded studded heels;

what do you have left?

Hannah

Humility.

3a.m inspirations. 

Thank You, God.

Been thinking a lot on humility and humbleness. It's an amazing thing that only some people have, and I really look up to those who live their lives with such humility and grounded in the Word of God. 

Humble people are great people to talk with, to open up to and to share your hearts out with them. Why? They don't judge, they don't be-little you because of some problems you're facing, they don't think any less of you. Instead, they try to help. It's funny how open someone can get with a person that is humble in their hearts, though they both are not even close friends, but merely friends.

And I've been thinking, what makes them different? What makes these people so easy to connect with, to talk to, to just lean on them a while? And it dawned on me. They don't think less of you because they too, realize that they are sinners. And your sins isn't bigger than theirs. Hence, they judge less. 

Too many times, we,(myself included) judge people because we think that their sins are waaaaay more "unforgivable" than ours or that they have done way worst than us, we forget that we are all sinners, in need of a Saviour who has came to save us on Calvary. We judge others because we see the speck of dust in their eyes but neglect the log in our eyes! (Matthew 7:1-5) Oh what hypocrites we are! God, please forgive our hardened and judgemental hearts! 

We all sin, we are all sinners. Though each and everyone of us sin differently, it doesn't make us any more "holy". But only by the blood of Christ that had cleanse us. 

Do we be-little others to make them feel bad or guilty so that we can feel better? And what for? For some temporary "bliss" that we get? Is that worth it? Not one bit! In fact, in my opinion, it only encourages boasting and pride-fullness. And neither of that is any qualities of Christ.

The lack of humility had cause plenty of trouble with each other, especially among believers. It causes friendships between believers to be "white-washed" and surfaced. Not able to go deep enough to help each other out. But relationships between believers should! They should be able to edify one another and grow together, to build each other up in faith, not tear them down! 

How is your sins, bigger than mine? It isn't! Sins are still sins, it is still our sins that sent Christ to the Cross, It is our sins that nailed Him there. It is my sins, that had caused all the pain and suffering and the torture that a sinless man, the Son of God, had to endured. It was my sin, that "helped" Him to the Cross. And it was nothing on my part to deserve such grace to be alive and blessed today. It was nothing on my part to have done, all that I've done throughout my life. It is the undeserving grace shown by the Father, the willingness of the Son, and the conviction of the Holy Spirit that I am who I am today. And it's a constant struggle to grasp the depth of that, in a world where I am so blessed. 

It was grace that I did not deserve, Imagine a father who forgives a murderer who had killed his only son, his only child. Imagine the love shown there. And it's so much more, because it isn't just any father, but it is God and His Son. It takes so much humility to do what Christ had done here on Earth, to be beaten and torn apart not because of Himself, but because of us, because of me! 

There's so much to learn, so much pride to let go of, so much ego to release, so many things to be so grateful for, so much further to go, to truly understand and learn the humility Christ had. And if the Lord Wills, I do pray, that I might someday, be that person whom people can count on, without feeling like they're being judged. But most importantly, if He wills, I pray, to be able to plant seeds among the people I've met, and will meet. 

Hannah

Stories.

She has plenty of great stories to tell

of God's amazing grace upon her life.

If only someone 

would ask her about them.

Hannah

Grace

Results are coming out tomorrow, and after a great week of learning last week, there's just so much peace in myself regarding this big day tomorrow.

Learning on how even Christ submitted to God's Will on the Cross and being reminded on how God has given to me the greatest of all gifts, which is the Holy Spirit. Really, how much more do I really need? 

I remember writing about God's Will and how too often we take for granted the prayer of Jesus, saying "Not my will, but Your's be done." And this couple of weeks reminded me of it. Blogpost here.

So earlier this week, I managed to spend some time alone, thinking and reflecting about the big results day tomorrow and coming to a conclusion that truly, there can only be good news or greater news, as the best news has been delivered when God's wrath was satisfied on the Cross through one atoning death. 

Though there was no back up plans towards my education, for the past week, I felt safe, secure and grounded because of Christ and God's amazing grace and love in my life. For the first time since my exams passed, I truly am convicted that "if it doesn't work out, God has better plans for me."

God doesn't give us what we want, but what we need.

And that's so true, do we want Christ? Absolutely not! We are happy drowning in our own sins and lust and worldliness, not knowing that these sins are leading us to our own grave, not knowing that as we fall deeper and deeper, we are actually digging our own grave to die in, not earthly grave, eternal grave. And that is so scary.

But what we do need is Christ, and God gave us Christ, He gave us something we don't want, but we absolutely need for the sake of our lives! Quite literally! And Christ had so obediently obeyed and submitted to the Will of Cross, up to the point of death. How amazing is the love shown upon the Cross for us, mere sinner who not just rejected Christ, but despise Him to the very core!

Oh, how much love that has been shown for us! We don't realise it, but we're literally drowning in the love of God, and yet we find it so hard to love Him! We usually love people because of how nice they treat us, or how loving they are to us. But God, who had shown unconditional love and the greatest love of all to us, yet somehow, we don't love Him as much. Why?

Why do we still crave for the world as if we should belong when we have found the greatest treasure who is Christ? Why do we complain that we don't have good role models when the perfect role model can be found in the Bible? Why do we worry and think that God doesn't know what we want when He has already given us the best? Why do we fear the temporary, but not the eternal? Why do I do that?

Committing all unto the Lord, because really, what do I know, that He doesn't?(Nothing.)

Hannah

Fly.

"Where would you be in a couple of months time?"

Honestly, I don't know. 

And it'll be a week left till I find out.

Hannah

Think. Start. Build.

                            

            NextGen Space

Think Big;

Start Small;

Build deep.

How true, isn't it? Many times we are told to think big, to dream big, aim high and shoot for the moon, but no one ever tells us how to get there. How to accomplish the dream was never told. So what most of us would do is that we start big, with a huge plan in mind, we "forget" that every huge success started with a small first step. So often we want things done fast, we want them done right at the first time too. Even with a tiny bit of obstacles we give up, saying that it's not worth an investment. 

If people were to give up on me whenever I did something wrong or something that had disappointed them, I probably wouldn't be the person I am today, I probably won't even be a Christian! Personally, in a generation that is so pampered, everything is given to us, everything is spoon fed and we don't work as hard as our parents did to get what we want, hence when things don't go the way we wanted it to go, we throw out hands up in surrender without trying again. 

The walk with Christ seem to be the total opposite, because it is having to constantly face challenges and obstacle and pray and believe that God will bring you through it and that your faith will be stronger. 

I don't know what Edmund Chan's context was when he quoted this. But for me, the aim is Christlikeness; starting with repentance of sins and knowing and accepting that we are worthless without Christ and God's grace, and then building the roots deeper in Christ so that when tempted, we can be like trees that are firmly rooted and not give way to temptations. 

Hannah

Flaws.

Flaws; We all have them, each and everyone of us, but maybe that is what makes us, us. 

I have plenty of flaws and weaknesses, many of those I chose not to enclose to the world, instead, I let them slowly eat me from the inside.

One of the biggest flaw about myself is my self-esteem. It feels like through the years, my self-esteem and self-confidence had been deteriorating and I'm no longer as brave, as courageous, as outspoken as I was once before. 

I remember being an extrovert, I loved to make friends, to be around people, to talk to them about things that doesn't matter. It was like my security was built in the people surrounding me. But yet, now, I feel more like an introvert. Don't get me wrong, I still like to make friends, but to be around people, to be at a social event, to talk to people about things that don't matter, it just doesn't seem important anymore. My comfort shifted from having to always be around people, to loving my time of solitude. Will I ever find a common ground?

I remember my teacher once told a friend, "you must have more confidence in yourself, like Hannah." Where did that confidence go? I went from a person who wanted the limelight, who wanted people to know who I am, to a person who wanted a behind the scene job instead. How could things change so drastically within a couple of years?

What then, is the root of this issue? Solving a surface problem never really solved anything. Having been through rejections and disappointments, slowly, it tear down the confidence you have in yourself, and because I didn't let go of them, it resurfaces every now and again, haunting me and telling me that I'm not good enough. And it's time, to let them go, to truly appreciate God for those rejections and disappointments. Because looking back at how much I've changed the past few years, it didn't matter. All these petty little rejections are nothing compared to being rejected by the King of Kings himself, and that is one rejection that I'd never want to encounter. 

I'm learning, and knowing that who I am, is who I am in Christ, thought Christ and because of Christ. Its all part of growing up, to know and to trust that God works through the rough times as well as the sweet sailing moments. 

Don't give up. Keep your eyes on the Cross, 

look towards the One whose blood redeemed your soul.

Hannah

Solitude.

I love my own solitude, maybe even too much. When I feel as though someone had barged into my own personal space(and I do require quite a large radius of personal space, most of the time) I just, shut myself off to everyone else because of that one person, because of how uncomfortable I am when someone invades my own space. And it's bad, because I'm cutting myself off from everyone because I feel the need to , well, "replace" the intruder's action by getting more personal space even if it means that I block some people out of my life. . 

I've had a couple of blogpost, saved in drafts written about a couple of weeks ago. Unpublished as my thoughts were scattered and I couldn't come to a conclusion. 

The last couple of weeks I've spent, mostly by myself, to think through plenty of things, maybe even a little bit of self discovery. Thoughts about friends, church,cell group, members, and singlehood. Life, in general. 

Being stuck in a weird and awkward position that I currently am in right now, is a feeling that I absolutely dislike. I like knowing things ahead of time, to be prepared mentally and emotionally, but now, I can't even tell where I'll be at in two months, and obviously being one with lists and plans, that.. isn't working too well for me. 

But through this unforeseen future, I think personally, it builds up a trust in God about your future. This is the point of time where you equip yourself spiritually so that whatever or wherever you go in the future, you know that your only future is in Christ alone. And that is something that I too, have to remind myself, and I don't remember that frequently enough. There will always be a longing to want to be a part of the world because its so.. interesting and luring, but I am reminded that as a Christian, what is your main aim in life? Not to write blogs about how interesting your day has been(I'm not saying that it is wrong.), but it is to spread the gospel, and love people as Christ loved us. 

I have learnt that without a genuine love for Christ and a love for God, you could never love God's people for very long. Trying to love people isn't a "2-weeks plan" or even a "2-year-goal" but it last a lifetime. That's a lifetime of love you have to give, and if there is no love for Christ and the gospel, it would then become a conditional love that dies down when things get tough. And loving people, especially difficult people is hard, but the love for Christ should surpass the challenges faced because of what Christ had done on the cross in Calvary. 

Incomplete thoughts leads to incomplete posts, hence, do forgive me for this awkwardly out of place ending.

Hannah

Testify.

It always makes me feel upset and maybe even a little disappointed when I heard of amazing testimonies of how a person's life changed because of Christ. How he was once a drug addict, and coming to know Christ, he cleaned up his life, got a job and how God had blessed him tremendously. It always got me wondering, why didn't I have such a kind of "dramatic" change when I came to know Christ?

Growing up in a Christian family, going to church and being involve in church activities has always been the norm, nothing out of the ordinary. Hence, because I was in such a protected bubble, I didn't exactly got to have that "dramatic change" that other people had. 

Having gone through some personal struggles for a few years, and knowing who Christ is more than what I was taught growing up. I learnt that He's not just loving, but He is wrathful, He is mad at US(!) for sinning, for nailing His Son on the Cross. He loves us, but He is just, He is Holy, and He cannot tolerate our sinfulness. That one time in the past when you lied, that one time in the past when you stole 20cent, that one time in the past when you got angry... God doesn't look past that, He doesn't say " oh.. I'll let this pass, since you go to church every week.." NO! That's not how God works! It isn't in His nature to tolerate sin. 

Through the past few years, I've learnt, (hoping that it isn't just head knowledge, but heart knowledge as well!) I've learnt that I can't simple take the bible out of context, I've learnt that there is so much that I don't know, I've learnt about God's unconditional love, and though I'm struggling, I'm learning to love others as how Christ loved me. And it's hard, it still is. Everyday is a battle, with myself. 

Though I don't exactly have a life changing testimony to tell everyone, but things did change for me. My relationship with my family got better as I learnt what my role as a daughter, sister is. I'm not saying that my family is like the perfect family now, no, we still argue and get annoyed with each other. I still get annoyed when I'm not in the mood. And I felt.. happier. Knowing that in all things, God is working. And in all things, He is sovereign. Though my plans were not achieved or goals were not met, I know that whatever it is, God is always good, because He has no capabilities of being "bad".

As I continue on my journey of discovering who God is, and loving who He really is, and not the "god" of my imagination, I learn to trust Him more. To understand and see things in an eternity perspective instead of a worldly one.(which is so tough!) And all I can do, is pray that by His grace, He will sustain me in my faith.

Things do change.

Hannah

Double-minded.

"Sometimes I feel like wanting someone 

to hold me as I cry or laugh with me;

But most times, I am contented 

and feel like I could be single forever."

Opposite.

It still boggles me how someone so extroverted could become so introverted in less than a year.
How someone so sociable suddenly decides to close themselves away from the world.
How someone so friendly could suddenly be so awkward in social events.

And then I can to realize why.
It no longer was about the fame or popularity, it no longer was about the recognition that she was getting anymore. She didn't want that anything. She wanted something more, something that last.
She wanted friends who truly cared for her because of her, not because she could give them fame or popularity. She wanted people who liked her for who she is, not what she can give them.

It became less about her, and more about Christ

Hannah

Age.

She stood there, as life all around her past by, each having their own lives, having their own thoughts, having their own laughters. They're just kids, she told herself, they're just going through a phase that I did, when I was their age too. But she didn't have anyone to rely on when she was their age, did they have anyone to rely on now? It was like watching a replay of her old life, years ago. It pains her, but it was so so real. 

She remembers being their age, age of rebel, age of attention, age of popularity, age of growth, age of friends, age of cliques. Especially cliques, she was a huge part of one. Tearing people down, making others feel like they're less significant, doing things and saying words that left a scar on others. To her, it was a been there, done that. And her journey was a rough and hard and unending one. Even up till now, she was still paying the huge price of all that she was years before. 

She remembers herself being loud and obnoxious, maybe that past had also been a reason why her personality had changed so much. She remembers herself always trying to be in the centre of attention by blurting out everything that she thought was "funny" just so people will know her name. Maybe that's why she's more towards the background than being in the front. She remembers how cold and mean she was to other people, and maybe that's why she tries to love others more now. 

Most of all, when she saw them, she saw herself. And it breaks her heart to see that, but there's a glimpse of hope, knowing how she turned out, though still paying the price for it, there still is hope, and by God's grace and God's timing, no matter what, God is sovereign through it all. 

Hannah

Waiting.

Its been a month, and I'm still waiting, waiting for a reply from the one last university, the most important one I'd say since that's my first choice. Not too hopeful about it considering how I did at the interview, but in the end, it's not about me. Through the interview process with multiple universities for a spot with them, I had learned that God's timing is always perfect. Though most of the time I don't see it, and grumble at the fact that things are coming and piling up on me at the worst time ever, but in the end, I saw how great God is and truly how perfect His timing is. How He sets the time for every season of my life, and He sees the big picture.

It's been a tiresome year already, reflecting on how excited I was to get into college just over a year ago. And now I'm going to be closing another chapter of life in about 2 more months. Final hurdle, final stretch, final push, and it's over. Looking back at how much I've grown, learnt, remembering the times I fell, and how hard it was to get back up, even now, that I'm still learning to heal. God have really been ever present throughout these times, knowing what's best for me, giving me what I needed.

I guess through everything, even if i don't get what I've always wanted, I'm praying for myself that I'll still praise Him through it all, that I'll still glorify the King, for He is the only one that deserves all glory and praise.
I've learnt, and I'm still learning, to not grumble and mumble when I don't get something I want, and I'm constantly reminding myself that all I really deserve is death from God's wrath because of my sin. But His grace and mercy had pardon me and God had shown His love for me, to the uttermost.

"God is most glorified in us 

when we are most satisfied in Him"

-John Piper

Hannah

Changes.

Changes;

It happens all around us, Winter changes to Spring; and Spring to Summer; Summer to Autumn; and Autumn back to Winter.

As much as most of us hate changes, it is still continuous in our lives, and no matter how much we dread it, change is required, to make us someone better, to help us, overcome fears, face pain, and learn to adapt again. 

Deal with the past, don't hide it and let it slowly engulf you, bit by bit, without realizing it. 

Know that in all things, God is good, and He will always be good.

Trust Him, in all things, with all your heart, for He holds the future.

Thank Him, in all things, the good and the bad, thank Him, for the cross, for His mighty Work and Saving power on Calvary

Praise Him, for only He deserve all praise.

This is also a reminder for myself

I'll be okay, God is in control. 

Hannah

In Awe.

God is truly truly amazing. Not just in this moment of my life, but He has been throughout my whole life. Guiding me through each and every obstacle, providing a solution for my problems, sometimes I just refuse to take it. 

I am simply in awe of how He guided me, my path, from where I was lost, in the darkness, all alone, and He led me to Himself, He provided me with leaders and friends that I could lean on, that I could learn from. 

As uncertain as the year may be, sometimes all I want to do is to grab hold of everything I could, to regain control, but I have to tell myself to hold back, and allow God to do His work in me. 

When I started to feel like things are going in the wrong direction, I have to remind myself that no matter how hard things go, it'll be for my good, as it is in God's Will. 

And I'm looking forward to every new day.

Hannah

Amazed.

Sincerest apologies from this imperfect sinful author.

January has been a hectic month for me, but nevertheless, God has been good, showing grace and mercy. Teaching me about His love for me, and reassuring me that His love is unconditional for me. 

God has been amazing the past month. With a total of 4 weeks of examinations, and the stress level at it's peak in the middle of it all, God shown time and time again how little faith I have in Him, broke me down to build me up again IN Him. Though the process is painful and the journey is tough, I look forward to the end result and to see Christ in all His glory, and to be able to look back at my life and know that I've made an impact to someone. 

Birthday this year was rather quiet, with little surprises by some people. Made me realized that if I leave for University this year, my birthday next year wouldn't be with these special people anymore, and my family wouldn't be there also. 

Today has just been an incredible day for me, new experience and God's perfect Will and how God's timing is perfect in everything, even though I don't see it sometimes. 

Sometimes, it is about spending time with God in prayer instead of rushing to study or research assignments and all. It is knowing that He is sovereign and to trust in His plans for your future, to let go of the love we have for other things, and to just be fully consumed by the love He has for us. 

It is to continuously repent for our sins and beg for forgiveness.

To have constant fights between the Spirit and the flesh. 

To be refreshed by the Word of God.

To do things out of the love He has for us, not out of obligation, but because we want to.

And most importantly, to keep Christ as the centre of our focus.

Let us strive, together, and keep Christ in the centre of our lives and not an add on. 

Hannah

Positivity.

Some nights, I cry for the positive, optimistic side of me back.

What happened wasn't just a surface wound for me, 

it was a deep scar, and maybe, just maybe

one day, I'll be alright again. 

- Hannah

Selfish.

"Oh Father, use my ransomed life, in any way You choose."

-All I Have Is Christ.

Funny how that one simple sentence can mean so much. Yet, too often, we're too distracted by the world to see how much Christ had sacrificed for us. Or maybe you're like me, you know how much Christ had sacrifice, but sometimes, it slips your mind and look towards the world, with maybe a little pang of jealousy and wanting to somehow be like them. And then, thank God, you remember about Christ and the Cross and remember about the life given to you.

It's so self-centered, really. My whole life in general. I want thing for myself. For my own pleasure. New phones to fit in, new laptops to brag about it to others, new camera to please people. My dad used to say this,"you're gonna buy something you don't even like, with the money you don't even have, just to please some people you don't even like." What for, really?

In the context of universities(because that is what I'm going through.) , when picking a university, what's the first thing people usually look for? Sure, the quality of teaching there, but we also investigate to see if the university we chose is well known. Then you can proudly say that "hey! I'm from University of _______"

"Use my ransomed life." 
Too many times we forget that our lives had been bought with a price, and our lives had cost the blood of an innocent man, not just a man, but the Son of Man, God Himself. It's hard to truly say, "Lord, take my life, use it, any way You want to." The reason why would probably be because we don't fully trust Him yet. And maybe the truth is that, we are holding back a part of our lives, clenching it in our hands because we don't want to lose control.

“Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” 
-Luke 22:42
Christ pleaded with God. But in the end, not my will, but yours, be done, He surrendered totally and fully to the Father. For me, personally, I think that many people, myself included, take this "quote" for granted. We say it all the time, in our prayers, especially when we're weak and helpless. But saying this means total surrender, to be wholly consumed by God and His Will. But as trial and temptations draw closer, all we ask is, "Lord, why have you put me in such positions?" Hadn't we said, may God's Will be done? And not our's?

It is difficult to be thinking about Christ and the gospel 24/7. How often do we think about Him? About God's grace and unconditional love? Do we even remember about the Cross during the week, and not just on the weekends? I do admit that in my busy days, sometimes how fortunate I am doesn't even cross my mind. But I am blessed, in fact, I am beyond blessed. And my prayer for the future is that, no matter how bad and hard and ugly things or life gets, that I will remember how blessed I've been, that I am loved, by the God who saves. 

Hannah