2009

one word for 2009: LONG!

thinking back about what happened in the beginning of the year made me go: "omg, did that really just happened less than 12 months ago? it felt like eternity."

nevertheless, this year has definitely been a year full of tears. probably half the year has been flooded with tears. it has been a struggle passing through the year. but i've made it! we're made it! memories from 2009 i would love to erase but cant. tears from hurts, fears, uncertenty that i wouldnt mind if it would just go away.

2009 has been the worst year of my whole fifteen years so far. one year that if i could repeat it, i wouldnt. Then again without the year 2009, i wouldnt be able to mature in Christ, in myself more. i wouldnt be able to find myself and discover who i really am, who my real friends are, and realized that there are people out there for me. willing to listen to my grumbles and complains, plus wiping my tears away.

2009 has been a year where a lot of 'somebodies' left my side to pursue their dreams, their studies. i've had a lot of unanswered question lingering around my head, unable to find an answer to it. but now i know, if i couldnt find the answer, maybe i wasnt meant to have it.

2009 has been a tough year, but whatever that doesnt kill me, only makes me stronger. a BIG thank you to those who went through it with me. it has really been a roller coaster ride. one that was so horrible that i wanted to get off it, but cant.

in the soon to come 2010, im not going to be looking for love, but let it find me. im determined to concentrate and fulfill those 10A1's in the year 2011. no one said life was easy.

but i know, that whatever that doesnt kill me, only makes me stronger.

and failure only makes me more determined to succeed.

time to close my fifteen-th chapter of life and get started with the sixteen-th(:

so now, im proud to bid the year 2009 goodbye and dont ever come back.

and welcome the year 2010. be nice to me alright. im still a kid!

happy new years everyone(:

Hannah

Ready To Leave.

gone baby, maybe for the best.

sorry.

through with it.

im tired of everyone using me for the same old reason.

Truth

one thing i miss most...

...being truly happy again.

Holding On To What I Need The Most.

until the sun goes down,

the night comes,

he said,"this is where it all ends."

theres something about you that i like.

that i cant let go.

that i want to hold on to forever.

"dont you ever let me go" she said.

"i will never. i cant live without you."

howdoieversay'iloveyou'oncemore?

we're pulling apart and coming together again.

-never say never

Hannah

If Only I Could.

With heart beating fast, hands shaking uncontrollably, she manage to mutter one word, "uh-oh".

When It Seems Like The World Is Crashing Down.

do you know how to handle it?
how to handle the truth that might be a bomb to you in the future.
sometimes, all we need is to stand a little taller and be confident in who we are

for once in my life, i have seriously, nothing to do.
exam's over. and i havent been to school after the exams.
the headmaster will probably be hunting down my arse. but oh well. i do deserve a break anyway. :)
technically i haven been in school for a long time actually, a week of raya holidays. a day of school, rest of the week off as self-proclaimed holidays. :) went back to school on tuesday at the week of exams. had exams and skipped school again. gosh. IT FEELS GOOOODDD. :D

anyway. big thanks to those who wished me before the exam. you know who you are. i feel absolutely loved okaaay. :D especially after recieving a message that came all the way from australia. AWW hock jeen. so sweet okaay. :D plus malvin's message which came on the day of the exams were something i just needed to read. i overslept that that. YES, I OVERSLEPT ON THE FIRST DAY OF PMR OKAAAY. and reading malvin's message really did calm me down. :D

big thanks to muh family also, for dealing with all my smart comments. i happen to do that a lot okaay, tying to prove that i actually studied. :D so yes, they have to listen to them. and mom and dad who never let me aim for something when i can do much better than that. brothers who teached me and asks me to relax.

anyway. it was quite a week, everytime i get home from school, mom will ask me to take a rest first. which is pretty shocking since she never ask me to rest. ahah. :D

i slept until 3.30PM. :) yesterday. it feelsss gooodd. when my dad found out, he was like "aiya, nevermind la, she just finish her exams what." joy okaaay. and i wasnt even awake for 12 hours before falling into bed again. but was forced to wake up early this morning. and i bummed around the house, asking my mom what should i do now.

PMR preperation was really tiring. every morning i have to move like 2 heavy stacks of books out of my table and into my bed. (i like having things within my reach, its a wonder why im not obese yet. hmm.) and before going to bed i have to move it back on the table and fall into bed EXHAUSTED.

but i guess it was worth it, sorta. 2 and the half months of freedom. :D i tore and clear out all my books yesterday. now my shelf is empty without those books. but will probabaly be filled with form 4 and form 5 books soon. and make brother's room empty. he'll like that i bet. -.-

honey,youcanteverlovemethatmuch

Dont believe their lies, dont give jealous eyes.
-Best of me

Hannah

I'd Never Knew

do you really have to ruin everything?

-i guess you do.

All Those Freaky Despos.

somehow, nothing ever turns out the way you want it to be.

darling, you'll never know until you asked.

but if you're asking me, i'm going to lie about loving you.

a font size bigger, you people happy now? ;)
trials are freaky next week. i think studying is curretly slowly killing me inside.
im having headaches okaaay.
ugh. maybe there are ants inside my brain. *winks kitee. :D*
been skipping class alot the past 3 days. it was fun, in a way.
eating after the 2nd recess with no prefects to shoo us away, walking around school after our recess then going to bilik seni to study a lil.
&& theres freakking school tomorrow. gaaaaah.

today was super unproductive. i hardly even get to study. blaaah.
i spent my time sleeping. :) and have freaking headaches. pfft.
mom is bugging me not to go to school tomorrow. :D :D :D
HEE
but i think i will la. for the sake of those lovelies. :D
had some merdeka thingy today too.
it was totally retarded when everyone had to shout merdeka. C:

randomisme:
i had the weirdest dream yesterday. o.o hmmm.
you know what, screw the books. im gonna get some sleep.

ohhoney,itwasjustabitofbadluck.

i love you forever, forever is over

-Love Drunk

Hannah

And Off I Go.

off, MIA! (:

will be back soon. :)

When The Whole World Came Crashing Down.

im sorry, i've let you down.

Sometimes, The World Just Seem So Bleak.

really, what do you want me to do about everything now?
i cant handle so many things, at this one time.
where were everyone when i really needed them anyway?
found out a few things today, and believe me, it was a few too many.
honestly, i feel like going M.I.A. for a few day, weeks even if i could.
i cant handle it. i cant handle thing. i cant do this. everything.
i feels like when i've just had one thing done, another couple came to me like a rush.

truthfully, i cant seem to remember the last time i've laughed so hard until my stomach hurts and tears are streaming down and i just couldnt seem to stop laughing.
but i do remember the last time i cried. it wasnt tears of joy, that's for sure.
sure i've laughed, but i guess theres just something inside that wasnt that happy.
i feel happier, i do. but i cant seem to be laughing as much as i was last time.
what happened? i guess you can say i asked myself that question everyday too.

the world seem so upside down nowdays.
it feels like nothing is happening the way it should be.
maybe it's just me, maybe im just scared.
scared for what the future holds
scared for what might happen
scared for the truth
scared for the lies
scared for untold secrets
scared for untold stories
scared for untold feelings
scared.. just because.

my life, i seem so boring, so plain, so.. GAAHH now
everything all around me seem to be moving in a fast forward speed while im stuck with the normal speed.
or maybe they're at the normal speed and im just in the "backward(?)" speed.
i cant seem to catch up with things.
i always seem to be lagging behind and just so.. invisible.
it feels like a show's over and everyone's leaving when i've just got in and sat down.
do you know how that feels?

and somehow,i find it easy to get the small quote at the bottom of the page.
though these few days its not quotes but a short passage.
but it's been really easy for me to think of it.


banana. :) -LOUD! 08

he cuppedhercheeksandtoldher,'girl,imnotgoingforanythingbutthebest,andthat'syou.' :)

you're talking to her and messing with me;

oh, now you care;

the sun rises theres no more you and i;

-how you love me now?

Hannah

HANNAH! =D

(: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (:

-i know you miss me. ;)

When Your Heart Screams

something'sgoingonandidontknowwhatsit;
neithercanistopitfromhappening;

boy,stopthiscrapandcomebacktome;

imissyou,iknowihaventbeensayingthatmuch,butido;

morethenyoueverknow;

youcamein,thengotout,whenithoughtyouweregonnastay;

shutupandgetyourfreakkingmindstraightwhetheryouwanttostayinorout;

comingtomeallconcernedandoutofnowherebeingallcraps;

getalife,becauseifyoudontwannahangaroundlong;

DONT;

feelslikealmosttotears,yetnoonecares;

feelslikeeverythingsfallingapart,yetnoonesunderstandsathing;

feelslikethrowingthephoneaway,sothatyourmessageswillbegonetoo;

feelslikehavinganemesia,sothatiwontrememberyou;

feelslikebabblingeverythingout,yetnoonestheretohear;

feelslikescreaming,yetnothingsmakingasound;

feelslikeasking,yetnoonesanswering;

feelslikeneedingahug,yetnoonesgonnabethere;

feelslikewantingeverythingnow,yetknowingHewantsmetowait;

feelslikemissingsomeone,yetnoonestheretomiss;

feelslikeknowingwhatwentwrong,yetnoonestellingmeathing;

feelsliketurningbacktime,yeticantdothat;

feelslikenotwantingtomissthebest,yetthesecondbestdoesntseemtogoaway;

idontwanthimnomore;

idontwanttobemissingoutontheBESTthatBigDaddyhasinstoredforme;

idontwanthimtobedoing"this"justforme;

idontwanttofeelthehurt,thepainanymore;

idontwannabemissinghimanymore;

idontwanttocrybecauseofhimanymore;

idontwannafeellikeicantfeelanymore;

i started with a sad sad emotion;
but i can end with the happy feeling;
because somehow i know, theres someone WAY better than him;
He has planned for me;
laid out my roads in life for me;
He have guided me through life;
Blessed me with all i need;
My Savious, My Protector, My Best Friend and First Love;

all emo/deep post shall end with a smile, agree?

(:

deep thoughts.

i was lying on my bed staring at the ceiling on friday night,
then suddenly the thought of my future came to me.
ever wondered how your future will be like?
what you will be doing 10, 20 years from now?
so i started thinking about my future,
would i be doing something i like?
or am i gonna be living everyday like a routine with i absoulutely loaths?
would the results of my studies lead me to where i wanna go?
would i still be in malaysia 10, 20 years from now?
would i still be happy?
would i still be hyper and really really random?
would i still be pretending to be full of smiles?
or would i not care about anyone, anymore?
would i think back about the times i had now,
and laugh at how stupid i was at times,
cry at how heartbroken i felt at times?
or would i forget the past,
start to rebel,
and never got 'home'?

what does your future hold for you?
because thinking of my future now,
actually scares me.

what about the past?
ever think back about it?
regret things you should've done?
and now youre too late?
smile at thoughts that made you smile in the past?
my past was filled with regret, smile, surprises, anger, tears.
regrets filled me as i thought about my results,
about taking it too lightly, thinking it doesnt really mattered.
smiles at the thoughts of how friends were always there,
picking up the pieces that you left behind,
then start glue-ing you back together.
anger when you just had a fight,
your friends, your family.
fights were never happy,
and sometimes, you just cant fix the fights.
tears when youre sad,
dissapointed,
and sometimes it seem like you cant do anything anymore,
seems like 24 hours a day seem to be too short.
and tears just start flowing before you can stop it.

what stories does your past had for you?
because whatever it is,
my satisfied with how mine went.

and other times,
sorry just seem to be the only word to say.
so, to everyone.
im sorry;;
for hurting you.
for being ignorant.
for being a total b!tch.
for not being understanding.
for complaining too much.
for the insults i said.
for not believing.
for lying.
for not being there when i was really needed.
for being too sarcastic.
for being fussy.
for the fights we had.
for pretending that i cared.
for everything i've done.

when's the last time you've said that word, and actually mean it?
because without the meaning,
sorry is just a word.

what about 'thank you'?
a sign of appreciation,
so,
thank you;;
for being there for me.
for bearing with my complaints.
for trying to understand.
for comforting me.
for teaching me.
for sharing with me.
for helping me out.
for making me smile again.
for talks that made me feel better.
for clothes to wear.
for food to eat.
for times we had.
for everything, you did for me.

what about the last time you said 'thank you' to someone?
because those two little word,
it might change someone's day.


sometimes,
we have to take time to think back on the past,
then focus on the future;
and tell your enemy you're sorry,
your friends that youre thankful.

i told you secrets that no one else knew.

-secrets

Hannah