Living.

I can't. I can't keep living like I want Christ, but I want the World too. I can't. Because it is God on one side of the balance, and everything else on the other. Being a disciple of Christ means to surrender EVERYTHING. You would have to give up your life! It's being totally surrendered to Him. 

"You must transfer all that you are, and all that you have, to all that HE is."

Have you counted the cost? Have you realize how big and great God is, and will you be willing to sacrifice everything you have because you know the surpassing worth in knowing Christ? Because no matter what happens after life, wherever you go, God will be glorified, no matter what. 

It's scary, for me, for the past couple of months, it's been an intense ride. I hadn't realize the reality of it all, but a glimpse of the reality of how tough it will be. But would I be willing to give it all up because of Christ? Will I be willing to sacrifice all that I have, in knowing Him? Am I willing to be totally surrendered to Him. 

 Why wouldn't I? Why shouldn't I? He had redeemed me from eternal condemnation, from eternal pain and fire. For my sins had been washed away, by one atoning death. The death of the Son, the Son of God.

How immense God's love is for us that He would be willing to send His Son, God's Son, He's no ordinary man, but He is God's Son. Yet, two thousand years ago, it was my sins that had nailed Him on the cross. It was me, that had shamelessly condemned the One who paid for my sin, it was me and my evil desires that had cause God to turn away from His Son, His only Son. It was me, the sin within me, shamelessly, joyfully mocking Christ as He paid for my sins. It's sickening. 

Sin is sickening, but yet we keep running back to it, we keep tangling ourselves with sin, and just enjoying the moments of being like the world, being liked by people. But we're not suppose to be like the world, Christians are suppose to be set apart, because they have the Holy Spirit in them. And ultimately, Christians would be hated by the World, for the world first hated Christ. And yet we strive to be liked by other. Of course, if the world hates us, the Christians, it wouldn't be because they were horrible drivers on the road, or because they were holding up a queue in the supermarket for silly reasons, but they would be hated because of Christ, because they believe in Christ. They hadn't done anything wrong but the world hates them, because of Christ. Christ was hated thought He hadn't done anything wrong. He was hated because He was helping others, that.. pretty crazy. 

There's so much to learn, so much to look forward to. Though the journey may be rough and bumpy and hard, for me, I take comfort in knowing that God is sovereign, that no matter what, He guides me, He strengthens me, He gives me the peace. That no matter what, He is glorified. And I pray, that I will glorify Him and not myself, for I am nothing, but He is, everything.

Hannah

Uphill.

Sometimes you're just so tired of this uphill battle, and it's scary. Like a roller coaster ride, the higher it takes you, the longer it'll fall, the faster it'll go, and the scarier it'll get. But everything's so messed up now, honestly, I don't know whether I'm going through the uphill battle, or just falling downwards. 

Like a cup of water that was filled to the brim, yesterday's episode of everyone just screaming, shouting and scolding each other, it was some someone decided to pour a full bucket of water into a small cup, until it overflowed. My head turned on me and my eyes failed me then. Suddenly all of the haunted thoughts that I had hidden at the back of my head decided that it wanted to be heard, my plans of wanting to deal with all of the thoughts after my exams failed miserably. And that was it, Hannah breaking down. All the stress, the pressure, the insane weight of decisions needed to be made, just spilled over. Worst part was the timing. 

I promised myself that I would never go back to the way it was last time, how badly I was affected and how badly I responded to the situation. And now, I haven't gotten there, though times are hard now, somehow there's always a strength pushing me forward, and that is Christ's strength in me. Though sometimes I feel down, or worthless, but yet, I know, there's someone greater, someone much more knowledgeable than everyone else, that holds my future. That doesn't mean I sit around doing nothing, but I have to do my part too, by spending time with the Word, to know what is His Will in my life. 

I've got 8 months left of college, I'm not sure what to feel about it. Mixed feelings I would say, excited for a new chapter in life, though still very unclear, and maybe even unwilling to let go of this phrase of my life. 

10 months into life as a college student, some people say that college was the best part of life. It certainly was a journey of experience for me, with just a mere 10 months, it had taught me to value friendship, value time, and value every small moment spent with each person. It showed me that people still care, that they're concern about your well-being. It motivated me to work for what I wanted. 

This time next year, on the 12th of October 2013, I don't know where I'll be at, whether overseas or at a hostel of a local university, or maybe even back home. It's the first time that the future of where I'll be being so unclear and foggy. But as time passes, I know it'll start to clear. And wherever I'll be in a years time, all I'm praying is that I don't lose sight of the One who laid down His life for me on Calvary. That I won't be immune to the fact that Christ paid the ransom for my life, that I will still be walking faithfully in my walk with God. 

Preserve me, God, in my walk.

Hannah

Three quarters.

And just like that, three quarters of the year is gone. It's the final 3 months left of the year. Reflecting about the year, what have I done.

To classify the first three quarters of the year, I would say that time really did flew by. It's hard to comprehend how fast it flew by, and now we're in October already. It had been a roller coaster ride but nevertheless, still more ups than downs. Or rather, I'd rather remember the ups than the downs. The downfall of life was harsh and sudden. But what do you do when you have such an unexpected downhill moment? For me, it was tough, and there was a constant struggle to remind myself of Christ, reminding myself of Christ's work on the Cross, and telling myself that no matter what, look towards Christ, trust God. 

It's hard though, to tell myself to trust in something I can't see. But that's what faith is, and though my faith isn't as strong as some pastor or the apostles, it's growing, and that's what matters. 

The downhill moments that I had experience had taught me that when I'm weak, God is strong, and truly, in my weakness, His strength will not forsake me. To keep reminding myself of God's grace and God's mercy upon my life. 

Through this rough patch, God's strength is really pulling me on, going forward, knowing that there's nothing to fear. 

Trials is in less than 2 weeks, unprepared, and I know how important this is. 

Whatever it is, do it for the glory of God, not for self. 

Hannah