Have you ever told yourself, "this isn't how it's suppose to be?"
The journey of faith, the process of finding yourself. Its tough, and honestly, sometimes I feel so lost, so abandoned, so alone. How did everything got to where it is now? How did everything end up this way.
The hardest part is knowing the Truth, and knowing that what I grew up being taught wasn't the Truth. It's tough that it feels like I have to go against what I was raised in. Its hard, and it's scary to not know what lies ahead of me. To not know what the future hold, because I won't be able to prepare for it. But then again, I know who holds the future. And all I need to do is to trust the Creator, to know that God is sovereign and whatever comes my way, it is upon His Will and not mine.
I don't know what lies ahead, but as I laid my head down yesterday night, I had imagined myself needing to choose a side. How has it all come to this?
And so I often tell myself,
Remember the Cross? Remember the innocent blood shed for my sins? Remember how I am bought with a price? Remember how Christ had paid the ransom?
Looking at Christ's work on the Cross, Looking at God's grace and mercy upon my life, Looking at the Holy Spirit's work in me.
And all I could do is thank the Lord. And even that is not enough.
Do we run? Or do we stand up for the Truth?
I don't want to be constantly account my spiritual walk with God based on my feeling. Because feeling fluctuates, but one thing that remains the same is God, His Love, and His amazing grace towards my life.
These internal struggles, they're hard and frustrating, but then again, theres joy. JOY!
Rejoicing in the Lord, Joy that God had given me the grace to opened up my eyes to the things unseen. Joy that because of Christ, I now stand justified.
As I begin to understand why it is not going to be possible for me to stay there the rest of my life. I slowly begin to disagree with what I was being taught. I begin to feel upset and disappointed in how I had lived my whole life a lie because of it. I begin to feel mad and then hopeless. What can I do? What am I suppose to do? And again, what can I do?
God is sovereign.
Hannah
