Flaws.

Flaws; We all have them, each and everyone of us, but maybe that is what makes us, us. 

I have plenty of flaws and weaknesses, many of those I chose not to enclose to the world, instead, I let them slowly eat me from the inside.

One of the biggest flaw about myself is my self-esteem. It feels like through the years, my self-esteem and self-confidence had been deteriorating and I'm no longer as brave, as courageous, as outspoken as I was once before. 

I remember being an extrovert, I loved to make friends, to be around people, to talk to them about things that doesn't matter. It was like my security was built in the people surrounding me. But yet, now, I feel more like an introvert. Don't get me wrong, I still like to make friends, but to be around people, to be at a social event, to talk to people about things that don't matter, it just doesn't seem important anymore. My comfort shifted from having to always be around people, to loving my time of solitude. Will I ever find a common ground?

I remember my teacher once told a friend, "you must have more confidence in yourself, like Hannah." Where did that confidence go? I went from a person who wanted the limelight, who wanted people to know who I am, to a person who wanted a behind the scene job instead. How could things change so drastically within a couple of years?

What then, is the root of this issue? Solving a surface problem never really solved anything. Having been through rejections and disappointments, slowly, it tear down the confidence you have in yourself, and because I didn't let go of them, it resurfaces every now and again, haunting me and telling me that I'm not good enough. And it's time, to let them go, to truly appreciate God for those rejections and disappointments. Because looking back at how much I've changed the past few years, it didn't matter. All these petty little rejections are nothing compared to being rejected by the King of Kings himself, and that is one rejection that I'd never want to encounter. 

I'm learning, and knowing that who I am, is who I am in Christ, thought Christ and because of Christ. Its all part of growing up, to know and to trust that God works through the rough times as well as the sweet sailing moments. 

Don't give up. Keep your eyes on the Cross, 

look towards the One whose blood redeemed your soul.

Hannah

Solitude.

I love my own solitude, maybe even too much. When I feel as though someone had barged into my own personal space(and I do require quite a large radius of personal space, most of the time) I just, shut myself off to everyone else because of that one person, because of how uncomfortable I am when someone invades my own space. And it's bad, because I'm cutting myself off from everyone because I feel the need to , well, "replace" the intruder's action by getting more personal space even if it means that I block some people out of my life. . 

I've had a couple of blogpost, saved in drafts written about a couple of weeks ago. Unpublished as my thoughts were scattered and I couldn't come to a conclusion. 

The last couple of weeks I've spent, mostly by myself, to think through plenty of things, maybe even a little bit of self discovery. Thoughts about friends, church,cell group, members, and singlehood. Life, in general. 

Being stuck in a weird and awkward position that I currently am in right now, is a feeling that I absolutely dislike. I like knowing things ahead of time, to be prepared mentally and emotionally, but now, I can't even tell where I'll be at in two months, and obviously being one with lists and plans, that.. isn't working too well for me. 

But through this unforeseen future, I think personally, it builds up a trust in God about your future. This is the point of time where you equip yourself spiritually so that whatever or wherever you go in the future, you know that your only future is in Christ alone. And that is something that I too, have to remind myself, and I don't remember that frequently enough. There will always be a longing to want to be a part of the world because its so.. interesting and luring, but I am reminded that as a Christian, what is your main aim in life? Not to write blogs about how interesting your day has been(I'm not saying that it is wrong.), but it is to spread the gospel, and love people as Christ loved us. 

I have learnt that without a genuine love for Christ and a love for God, you could never love God's people for very long. Trying to love people isn't a "2-weeks plan" or even a "2-year-goal" but it last a lifetime. That's a lifetime of love you have to give, and if there is no love for Christ and the gospel, it would then become a conditional love that dies down when things get tough. And loving people, especially difficult people is hard, but the love for Christ should surpass the challenges faced because of what Christ had done on the cross in Calvary. 

Incomplete thoughts leads to incomplete posts, hence, do forgive me for this awkwardly out of place ending.

Hannah