Flaws.

Flaws; We all have them, each and everyone of us, but maybe that is what makes us, us. 

I have plenty of flaws and weaknesses, many of those I chose not to enclose to the world, instead, I let them slowly eat me from the inside.

One of the biggest flaw about myself is my self-esteem. It feels like through the years, my self-esteem and self-confidence had been deteriorating and I'm no longer as brave, as courageous, as outspoken as I was once before. 

I remember being an extrovert, I loved to make friends, to be around people, to talk to them about things that doesn't matter. It was like my security was built in the people surrounding me. But yet, now, I feel more like an introvert. Don't get me wrong, I still like to make friends, but to be around people, to be at a social event, to talk to people about things that don't matter, it just doesn't seem important anymore. My comfort shifted from having to always be around people, to loving my time of solitude. Will I ever find a common ground?

I remember my teacher once told a friend, "you must have more confidence in yourself, like Hannah." Where did that confidence go? I went from a person who wanted the limelight, who wanted people to know who I am, to a person who wanted a behind the scene job instead. How could things change so drastically within a couple of years?

What then, is the root of this issue? Solving a surface problem never really solved anything. Having been through rejections and disappointments, slowly, it tear down the confidence you have in yourself, and because I didn't let go of them, it resurfaces every now and again, haunting me and telling me that I'm not good enough. And it's time, to let them go, to truly appreciate God for those rejections and disappointments. Because looking back at how much I've changed the past few years, it didn't matter. All these petty little rejections are nothing compared to being rejected by the King of Kings himself, and that is one rejection that I'd never want to encounter. 

I'm learning, and knowing that who I am, is who I am in Christ, thought Christ and because of Christ. Its all part of growing up, to know and to trust that God works through the rough times as well as the sweet sailing moments. 

Don't give up. Keep your eyes on the Cross, 

look towards the One whose blood redeemed your soul.

Hannah