As I grow in my faith, I've been learning to always remember what is important, that Christ died, so that I don't have to be a slave to sin no more. And that is what I really need the most. But yet, that simple thing is the hardest to do when you're racing against time having the days count down to when you'll have to take the final exam. And I guess the pressure for me was much greater, being that I did not want to return to the country to retake a paper. A 14-hour long flight away from everyone again, cutting my holidays short? No thank you. And so, the stress builds up.
Being apart of the Christian Union team earlier this year, I have been busy with all things society and had somehow neglected taking time out for studies, so when I handed over at the end of March, it was 3 months to cram everything from the year and to get through all the material.
And a week before exams started, a breakdown. As I sat in the library, trying at some paper year papers, I realised that the way I had been studying wasn't helping me in retrieving and retaining information because of the way I remember things. Having 3 papers in a week time and panicking over the fact that I couldn't answer anything for the first paper, that week, I had the most stressed out face, being almost in tears (if not already in tears) as the time drew closer and I was still not done re-doing everything.
A Sunday before my exam, I contemplated skipping church, surely, God would understand that I have a paper the next day, surely the leaders would have some sympathy for me knowing that all that I've done had been unhelpful. But I was drawn back to Matthew, where Jesus said to "Seek first His Kingdom". Seek first your salvation, and to have the bigger picture of eternal life and temporary life, how is that a decision?
I had to be extremely careful as I went on, to put God above all things. I had to warn myself that I'm not doing it because I want God to see that I've honoured Him and then bless me more. But keeping myself in check for my motives that it was to be thinking about the things that matter - eternity - instead of dwelling on this temporary moment. I had to be careful not to make it as if I deserved to have better results because of my sacrifice, but rather thank God for grace and pray for obedience to accept His sovereign will.
And I truly saw how "Put God first, and everything will fall into place" works, not because everything will go your way, but it will go His way, and by putting Him first, you align to his ways. And when you step back to see the bigger picture, you can rest in Him. Knowing that on that final day of judgement, when you stand before the Judge, He doesn't judge based on what I got for my exam, or what I've done that was good, or that I went to church even when I was stressed, but purely based on what Jesus had done on the Cross for me, that because I was given faith to accept this grace, my soul can rest securely, knowing that I'll be absolutely alright.
Hannah
