Heartful.

"They just weren't there when I needed them to. " - 1 April 2011 "Struggles"

It's so hard, so hard to love, to care for someone or someoneS who just doesn't seem to care about you at all. And in return, blames you for everything. Isn't friendship a two way thing? I'll admit that I hadn't done my part, but I was afraid, I was alone in this, when you all had each other. And yet, you didn't try either. Please, don't put all the blame on me.

How do you love them, How did Christ even loved us? We are sinners, and He is righteous, blameless, pure, yet he still cared for us. He healed the sick, the ones who were rejected by the crowds. When the Pharisees asked His disciples why did Jesus eat with sinners, one thing that came into my mind was that, no matter who Jesus ate with, no matter who He was with, He was surrounded by sinners. Yet in a fallen world, He didn't fall. But he chose to obey His Father's command by taking on the sins of everyone, and suffering the wrath of God on that cross.

Even up to the time when He was dying, He prayed for us, that God forgives us. But yet it's so hard for us to love someone even when Christ had shown such great love on the cross. Why? Because our pride and our ego takes over, and that small little part of us, deep deep inside, somehow, somewhere, think that we might just be better than them. Or we had expected them to be better than that.

Help me love them.

Hannah

Push.

But that’s what I do. I push people away. I'm constantly afraid that they are going to hurt me. I’m always scared that I’m going to hurt them. So I make them leave, and if they don’t then I’ll leave. I'm scared of getting too close to someone. Afraid of getting too far, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of hurting them, afraid of losing a friend. But pushing them away doesn’t help me in keeping that friendship, instead it makes it worst, there’s tension and friction or even some rough edges that no one could explain.

But what comes down to the most important is after all, Christ. I mean, really, what else can be greater than Him?

The whole week has just been depressing. For 2 weeks I’ve just been thinking and.. just thinking. I feel annoying, like I’ve just been annoying everyone. And I feel like they’re beginning to give up on me. 

Everything is so uncertain, I feel like I've screwed everything up. But then one thought comes in, Trust God. Everything happens for a reason

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I can't even think straight to even write a proper post. 

I'm messed up, Lord, I need help. 

Hannah

Timing.

April. April fifteenth to be exact as I'm writing this now. 

It's been four months since 2012 started and honestly, I really don't know what to say about it. Depressing, spiritually. But I'm having "fun" physically and that in itself, is so much more depressing.

The amount of things that had happened in thus short four months, someone could probably write a book on that. Because everything's messed up. And the past just comes back to haunt you. Maybe that's why you shouldn't run from the past in the first place. Maybe that's why conflicts were resolved at an instance, and not dealt with years later. 

I need to understand that Christ is enough. He is more than enough. He is sufficient. Even though He's not here, but God left His Word, His precious Word to me, for me to read, to understand, to know Him in a deeper way, more than what is just at the surface. But yet, everyday, I take God's grace and God's mercy for granted. I take every breathing moment for granted thinking that I probably "deserved" to live this life, the way I want it to. But what do I really deserve? I deserve death, I deserve God's wrath upon my life. I don't deserve life, I don't deserve to live. Heck, I don't deserve to live in a good condition that I have roof over my head, or even a bed to sleep in. I don't deserve any of it. But yet, God has given it to me. For what reason? Only to glorify His name. 

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Hannah

Not mine.

Honestly, I never through I'll have to struggle so much. Ever since I have a life, things are hard to do. Hard to find time to spend with the Creator. And heck, I'm struggling in so many areas. But then, this life is not mine to live. This life of 'mine' had been bought with a price, it had been ransomed by the blood of an innocent man. It had caused the death of the Son of Man. And through that death, I am no longer a slave to sin, but I am, (or supposed to be) a slave to righteousness. Through the death of Christ, we are set free. 

You would owe your life to someone who had convinced you not to end your life. Wouldn't you owe so so so much more to someone who had saved your whole eternity? But yet, we go on, sinning and doing things that is not pleasing to God. Yet, we still live as if Christ is not coming again. We still live as though God hadn't shown His grace and His mercy upon our lives. We are ignorant to the fact that every waking moment of our lives is a part of God's grace and God's mercy. 

Christ's walk into Jerusalem, His last supper with His disciples, His fervent prayer in Gethsemane, His walk to Calvary, His cry of forgiveness of behalf of us. What does all that mean to us? Or does it even mean anything that Christ had died? What does the cross mean? How does that death of Christ effect us? It effects us more that we know. Because our whole lives should be about Christ death, His resurrection. God's wrath, but also God's mercy and God's love. 

Lord, I need your strength, your wisdom. 

Hannah

Punches.

So punch me. I know you want to do it. I know you've always wanted to do it. Probably the only thing stopping you is the fact that I'm a girl. But it seem like I could be the only girl that have ever made you feel like punching them.

Go ahead and give me a black eye, it's not like I'll care anyway. As long as you feel better, I'm alright. I mean, honestly, it's just a black eye, it'll heal sooner or later.

I'm tired of saying sorry. I'm tired of apologizing for the same stupid thing I did years ago. So I stopped apologizing. Because if I do and if I start to continuously say that I'm sorry, that 5 letter word of apology will soon lose it's meaning.

I'm messed up. I know that. No need to remind me about how screwed up I am. But I'm trying. And by God's grace and His Strength. I know, that I'll make it through. And even if I don't, everything happens for His glory, not mine.

Deep breaths. 

Hannah