It always makes me feel upset and maybe even a little disappointed when I heard of amazing testimonies of how a person's life changed because of Christ. How he was once a drug addict, and coming to know Christ, he cleaned up his life, got a job and how God had blessed him tremendously. It always got me wondering, why didn't I have such a kind of "dramatic" change when I came to know Christ?
Growing up in a Christian family, going to church and being involve in church activities has always been the norm, nothing out of the ordinary. Hence, because I was in such a protected bubble, I didn't exactly got to have that "dramatic change" that other people had.
Having gone through some personal struggles for a few years, and knowing who Christ is more than what I was taught growing up. I learnt that He's not just loving, but He is wrathful, He is mad at US(!) for sinning, for nailing His Son on the Cross. He loves us, but He is just, He is Holy, and He cannot tolerate our sinfulness. That one time in the past when you lied, that one time in the past when you stole 20cent, that one time in the past when you got angry... God doesn't look past that, He doesn't say " oh.. I'll let this pass, since you go to church every week.." NO! That's not how God works! It isn't in His nature to tolerate sin.
Through the past few years, I've learnt, (hoping that it isn't just head knowledge, but heart knowledge as well!) I've learnt that I can't simple take the bible out of context, I've learnt that there is so much that I don't know, I've learnt about God's unconditional love, and though I'm struggling, I'm learning to love others as how Christ loved me. And it's hard, it still is. Everyday is a battle, with myself.
Though I don't exactly have a life changing testimony to tell everyone, but things did change for me. My relationship with my family got better as I learnt what my role as a daughter, sister is. I'm not saying that my family is like the perfect family now, no, we still argue and get annoyed with each other. I still get annoyed when I'm not in the mood. And I felt.. happier. Knowing that in all things, God is working. And in all things, He is sovereign. Though my plans were not achieved or goals were not met, I know that whatever it is, God is always good, because He has no capabilities of being "bad".
As I continue on my journey of discovering who God is, and loving who He really is, and not the "god" of my imagination, I learn to trust Him more. To understand and see things in an eternity perspective instead of a worldly one.(which is so tough!) And all I can do, is pray that by His grace, He will sustain me in my faith.
Things do change.
Hannah
