2014.

2014, a look back. 

2014 was the first year I had to spend my birthday away from family. People I've met here tells me that they're sorry that I couldn't go home to spend Christmas with my family, that it must be hard for me, but Christmas isn't that hard to be away from home. Birthdays are. I've always spent my birthdays with family for 19 years of my life, it was hard to not have them by my side on my 20th earlier this year. It was different, and sometimes, different is the best you could get. It did snow on my birthday, for the first time that winter, which made it magical, but silly me, to sleep in that day because it was the only day I didn't have any morning class and missed the snow. (Safe to say, that I probably won't be sleeping in on my birthday in 2015.. ;) )

2014 was when I realise that my decision to study away from home came with a sacrifice of not being able to build firm friendship with people. It was the mixed feelings of joy and sadness to see them go through each milestone, to see and hear about their growth, but not being able to be a part of that process.

Sacrifice.

2014 was when I started to understand that nothing will be of my own strength or personal patience, but yet by God's strength and His grace that allowed me to persevere through. This year was when I was reminded that any kind of work done for the gospel will never be in vain. That in the end, God be glorified. Not me. 

2014 was when I begin reminding and preaching the gospel to myself, especially when I feel like I don't have time for it, because that's when I need it most. I started taking baby steps to see that stress and worries shouldn't exists because when you look towards the Cross of Christ, you see your biggest problem, the biggest thing that you should be worrying and stressing about - my sin - conquered, destroyed, forgiven because of a loving God, an obedient Son. And for that, by God's grace, I will be forever thankful and reminded of it. 

2014 was when I was reminded that I'm no better than people I meet everywhere, I am still a sinner that had somehow, in some, curious, mysterious, but yet, also miraculous and glorious way received God's grace upon my life as well. 

2014 was when I lived in my head. I've always lived in my head a lot, but this year, I've been doing that more than before. Maybe it's the huge amount of alone time I have, it helps in me being more reflective, but sometimes, the silence alone becomes too comfortable, too addictive.

2014 was when I learnt how to work with others. I learnt that the primary focus is Jesus being taught, His ministry, His life, Hid death, His resurrection. As the gospel is being taught, everything else is secondary to uniting believers in faith. 

2014 was when I started to learn how to build genuine relationships, to open up myself to be shot down, and how to communicate more effectively. That while I struggle, I find myself being more and more dependent on God, knowing that I am nothing without Christ. 

Most of the year, I've spent focused on the gospel, on growing my faith, but in the past few months, I've been learning about unity between believers, all for the sake of the gospel. I've been learning the importance of support from other believers, and how encouragement and edifying words to each other is very much needed in the Christian life. I have been given opportunities to, in some ways, put what I've learnt in my head, into practice. It definitely wasn't easy to do, takes more patience than I had imagined,but God's mercies are renewed everyday, the joy of knowing His love and goodness for me brings indescribable passion to see the Word of God being preached.

2014 has been a year indeed. Many times, I think of what would've been or could've been if ____. But yet, I have been placed in where I am for a reason, and I am thankful for all that God had provided for me. It may not have been the most "ideal" situation, but I have learnt so much from being in these "non-ideal" situations, and I don't think I would have it any other way.

2014, I grew,
physically - a little bit chubbier before the summer;
academically - made it to second year of my degree;
mentally - feeling a tad bit wiser now than I was earlier this year.. ;
spiritually - Definitely learnt a lot and matured a little in my thinking.

Here's to 2015, I'm excited to see what the New Year brings.

Hannah

Prayer.

Trust God, more than you trust yourself.

Dearest heavenly Father, 

Thank you, for an opportunity to be working with people. Thank you for the struggles, for the opportunity to put Romans 1-3 into practice, to be reminded to be humble, that I was once dead, with nothing good at all in me, with no desire whatsoever to seek the true God who loves, but was made alive through Jesus and the conviction of the Holy Spirit.

Thank you for Jesus, and the Cross. Thank you, that you so loved us, loved me, that you sent Jesus to the World, born of a virgin. Thank you for the obedience and humility of Jesus, up to his walk to the Cross. Thank you that He was in control, up to his very last breath. 

Thank you that Jesus had died for my transgression, paid the price for my sins, but did not stay dead, yet three days later, rose again, and never to die again. 

Thank you, Father, that Jesus will come again one day, and on that day, I will finally be home, to where I will truly belong. 

Help me, Father, to always remember how temporary this place is, that I do not belong here. Help me to take the opportunity to be sharing the good news of Jesus to others, because of how temporary life is. 

Give me the wisdom to know the right words to say, to be aware of where your Spirit leads, and to give me the strength to persevere through evangelism, even if it seems that there is no fruits to be sown. 

By Your grace, help me to always be reminded of Christ on the Cross, that I may never forget the great love of sacrifice that was paid for me. Help me to always know that no matter how big my troubles are, my biggest problem, my problem with sin had been conquered on the Cross. And I can rest assured that Your grace is enough. 

Help me to humble myself, to walk as Christ walked, with great humility and gentleness, having my eyes only focused on one- the One who had saved my soul. 

Thank you for the promise of the Cross, for mercy and grace and unfailing love that forgives as I fail to love you each day. 

Help me to not take this amazing grace for granted, but know that it is the power for me to say "no" to sin. 

Thank you for the material blessings, and help me to desire you more than anything here on earth. 

Thank you for the fellowship with Christian believers, and help me to edify others in my conversations. 

By Your grace and sovereign Will, may all that I do, bring glory to you. That others may see you through my life and praise You, the King, instead of the lowly servant. 

In Christ's name

Amen

Hannah

Initiative.

Initiative.
Most of us dislike it. We don't like taking the first step, whether in a group project, or just in conversation with people. We don't like being called "bossy" when we take the first step of initiating a team meeting in a group project or to be shot down by making the first move. I know I have complained about how tired I am to always be initiating conversations, or meetings just to get people moving along. But, what about initiating love towards someone, making the first move to care for them?

By love, obviously, if you know me personally, I don't mean the romantic love that everyone first thinks about when the "L" word is mentioned. But rather, to show care, genuine care for someone, despite who they are, or whether they are deserving of it. But through our internal struggle, to still care for someone deeply to continue to share the good news of Jesus to them, because that is what they need most now, next week, next month. The news about Jesus is the only thing that humanity needs to hear, to believe, to be convicted of, but everything in accordance to God's sovereign Will.

Through my time abroad, I saw with both my eyes, how much people cared. I saw how they were willing to sacrifice precious time for the sake of others, I saw how they wanted to spread the great news of Christ dying on the cross two thousand years ago, so that others may experience this joy in Jesus too. And I am so humbled by it. Touched by the passion and the desire to share this joy that I too, want to be apart of this mission to talk to people about how great and amazing Jesus is, how He was sinless, yet was punished as if He was the most sinful man on earth. I too, want to share the joy of how utterly confusing but incredible God's grace is.

While I often complain for having to be the one to take the first step, I am reminded that God took the first step towards men, towards me. God took the first step by sending His only Son to earth, to pay the price of sin once and for all. Would I be thankful for that with an unregenerated heart? No! I would think that I could save myself from sin and wrath by being good, by doing things with my own strength, but nothing that I've done, or I can do that will save me from my own sins. Yet, Jesus came, He taught people, He loved and had compassion on people, He dined with outcasts, He didn't commit a single sin, was completely perfect and blameless, but yet, though sinless, He was handed over to men, to people like you & I, to be crucified on the Cross because I sinned against God, and I can never save myself from it, but Jesus can, and He has paid the price for my sin.

God took the first step in reaching out to us, for without that, our hearts will never choose God, we will never want to seek Him, to praise Him, to adore Him, because we are full of sin. But we are reconciled to God through mercy, to be given a new heart, a heart the desires Him, that longs to praise Him, to tell people about Him.

I am thankful for the gospel. I am thankful for God's Word, for opportunities and struggles to be putting God's Word into practice. I am thankful for support from God's people, to struggle together, but also be an encouragement to each other. I am thankful for the Holy Spirit who convicts people of the Truth, who unites believers with the common love of God and His Word to the advancement of God kingdom. I am thankful for Jesus who died, but did not stay dead, instead, 3 days later, raised to life, only to never die again. That Christ's obedience to the Cross had allowed me to be justified before God. And I am thankful for God, for His grace and mercy that I do not deserve. That as each day passes, I am still a sinner but because of what Jesus had done, I can pray, directly to the Father, to beg for forgiveness, to repent, and to praise Him for His mighty works.

Hannah

What.

"What do you want to see, why do you keep fighting, why don't you just give up? "

Because I want to see the Word being taught, I want to see people's life changed because of what the Word says, not because of what they think it means. I don't mean having your struggles disappear completely and have it completely solved when you read the Word, but to know how great the sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross is. To see the perspective of how little our problems are compared to our sins, the one thing we can't save ourselves from. I want to see people wanting to hear more about what the Bible says, what it means, to see how the issues faced by Christians in the Bible are the exact same ones we face in our world today.

I want to see the Word being centred, I want to see how a person changed from a diva to someone who knows how much better, having Christ is than anything in the world. And I don't want to give up, because I was that diva, but someone had invested in me, to show me how wonderful the Bible is, what it means to read it in context, not for what I want it to mean. I have to keep fighting because I don't want to see the Bible being put in second place because socialising is more important.

I do want to give up, and let things be, but I can't. I can't let go and let the Word of God be kept in a drawer, never to be taken out. And I can't give up, I'll be pressing on.

Today, I'm forced to face the sin of my pride, to realise how filthy and prideful I am, while the evil one tells me I should yell, saying I'm better than the rest, I know I'm not. Because I am still a sinner who did not deserve the grace of God but still had received it. I can't boast because none of it is my doing. Not a single thing in me was responsible for my own salvation. But I know, that the one inside of me, is stronger than the one outside, tempting me to get angry, to be frustrated, to be hurtful.

While the easy way out is to quit and give up, I won't. Instead, through it, I'll be more convicted of my faith, not by my own strength, but by the strength given to me by the One who saves. Through this, I will take it as a refinement process, to learn patience, to learn humility, humbleness, gracefulness, and gratefulness for the Word of God.

Pray for me, while I learn to put knowledge to practice, for humility to learn and humbleness to ask for forgiveness.
Pray for me as I struggle, that I will always be reminded of what Jesus had done for my sake.
Pray for me, as I learn to live a life following Jesus, choosing Him above everything else, remembering that He is the ultimate treasure and I don't need to keep searching.
And lastly, pray for me, for strength, courage to accept that things will never go my way, but pray that I will always be in tune with God's sovereign ways, and be obedient in my walk with Him.

Hannah

Fight.

Is it worth the fight? 

Will it be worth the struggle, 

the tears, the self-beating to my own heart? 

I don't know.

Forgotten.

People don't remember. We forget. We forget to do our assignments, our work, to pick up the groceries, to lock the car door, to pay the parking ticket. We're just.. forgetful people. 

We forget people who were once our friends. Sometimes we forget about them, that they were once apart of our lives. We try to forget painful memories and hurtful experiences, but yet, they always keep coming back into our minds. 

The harsh reality is that one day, no one will know who you are. Maybe they will know your name, but would they really know who you are when the doors are closed? Will they know how you treated your friends and family? Will they know you in a personal level? Most likely not. Because if you're an average human being, just like I am, we both will have to face the reality that we will be forgotten. There will be times that you'll feel the internal hurt knowing that you don't matter anymore. 

"And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, 'This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.' " -Luke 22:19

The last supper with Jesus and He said the following while having His last meal with His disciple before being taken to the cross. He said, "Do this, in remembrance of me".

Could it really be that we would forget Christ and His wonderful works on the cross? Could it be that we won't even remember what our saviour had suffered for our sake? Could it be one day we would think that Jesus doesn't matter anymore? Why would we need something to remember Jesus when He had done the greatest sacrifice and shown God's unconditional love for us by obediently suffering, walking to the cross and bearing the wrath for our sins, and then three days later, rose again, appearing to His disciples and do nothing but showed us how great and almighty and all powerful our God is. 

You would think that you wouldn't need a reminder for something so magnificent and glorious. But yet, we were given a reminder. Because Jesus is God and He knows, that we are bound to forget. We are bound to forget who Christ is, to forget what he has done for us, to forget that Christ had made a way to God, and all we have to do is to repent and believe and work out our salvation, to carry our cross daily and to trust in God's Word. 

I've taken the Holy Communion many times. Churches usually do it once a month as a remembrance of Christ's work on the cross. Knowing why it had to be done, more than the reason for a ritual, and knowing that Christ had sacrifice his body for my sake, to shed his blood for my sin, to die as an atoning sacrifice, to be the passover lamb, once and for all had made it so much more meaningful. To be reminded of His great love, to be reminded of how God has been so merciful, so gracious and so loving. To come to the feet of the cross and repent for my sinful nature, my outbursts of anger, my internal annoyance, my displeasing thoughts, my actions, words and thoughts that were displeasing to God. And to know that because of the Cross, and because of Christ's obedience, and because of God's great love, and because of the Holy Spirit's conviction, I can be forgiven. And oh, how humbling it is to know about it! 

Pray for me, as I work out my salvation, as I learn to see Christ in a more glorious way, that I be humbled at how small I really am, and how great my God is. 

Pray for me, as I learn to grasp the tiniest bit of how majestic and wonderful God is to have sent a saviour for me. 

But most importantly, pray for me, that I will obediently aligned to God's Will in my life. 

Hannah

Thankful.

Thus marks the end of my first year. Three quarters of a year spent away from friends and family. I've definitely grown (not just physically. ;) ) I've had plenty of valuable experiences whilst here.

Examination periods were always the worst time for me. I get stressed out and start having panic attacks. If by the night before I still don't know what the material is like the back of my hand, I'll start getting frustrated and start the stress tears. I know that whatever happens, God had allowed it to, as long as I tried my best. And I know that in times like those I should be reminded that Jesus had died for my sins and that my biggest issue in life, the trouble with sin, that I could not overcome by myself had been overcome through Jesus.

Maybe I'm more convicted of the truth this year. When I start to be a bit edgy and nervous, I am more aware and would start preaching the gospel to myself. Reminding myself on what is most important in this temporary life. It definitely wasn't easy to do so. When my mind tells me it's time to start panicking, the other side tells me to calm down and remember what Jesus had done on the Cross.

God's word has been a source of strength. Going though Mark's gospel with the students in church had allowed me to take a look at Jesus' life while on earth and how he had been mocked, beaten, abandoned, and crucified, not because of anything that He has done. But because of our sins. Your sins, and my sins.

I think songs had also helped me a lot in remembering Jesus and His great work on the Cross. Through them, I have been constantly reminded of the fact that I have everything that I'll ever need through Jesus. He had reconciled and allowed me to have a relationship with God. What else could be better than that? Would I really need to place anything else as more important when the relationship with God had been restored?

It really puts things into perspectives when we look at the bigger picture of how temporary this whole life is. It may end tomorrow, the day after, next year, the year after. Who knows? Only the Father knows.

I'm thankful for the prayers through this period of time. Your words of encouragement had been such a tremendous blessing and laugh to me with some of the things that you've said.

I've had a good year of learning and growing. Making new friends and seeing the world. Stepping out of my comfort zone, which I absolutely love, and being a bit more courageous to socialise a bit more.

I wouldn't give up anything to be anywhere else. God does know what's best. ;)

Hannah

World.

I wanted to see the world with my own two eyes. 

I wanted to capture the beauty of different scenery, 

different culture and 

different traditions in my head. 

People always asks me if I miss home,they tell me that they can't imagine travelling thousand and thousands of miles away from home. And each time I hear that, I am more and more grateful upon God's grace and strength to pull me through. I know that I've said it so many times, to be thankful for God's grace and mercy in my life. But the more I think of it, the more I can't boast in myself. When I had first arrived, all I wanted to do was hear people say " You're so brave!" and feel a little smug inside, then I've got to stop myself in thinking that. Oh the pride I have! Forgive me, Lord. But now, 7 months down the road, when people say that, all I want to do it praise God. The more I think about it, the more I feel like without God, I probably won't be able to make it. Without the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I'd probably still be living in darkness, not knowing that on the inside, I am actually dead. And most importantly, without Jesus dying on the Cross for my sin and defeated death three days later, I probably won't know the immense love shown on the Cross, the ultimate sacrifice for me, when I was still helpless. 

Do I miss home?

That's a silly question to ask, of course I do. And I can't wait to be back, to see familiar faces again. 

You are missed, friends. 

Hannah

Assurance.

I remember going through a phrase a couple years ago, when I was finding assurance of my faith in Christ. I was scared, confused in whether I truly am a Christian, or do I just call myself one? I was afraid that I had just been calling myself a Christian, but nothing in my life points other to Jesus Himself. I wasn't sure whether the life that I was living was a life that I was called to live as a Christian. I wondered if at that time, I was taking God's previous grace in my life for granted. I remembered asking people how they are so assured of their salvation, how they are so sure that if they had died there and then, they know, that for sure, they'll be together with the Father. I was maybe even a bit jealous with the fact that they didn't seem to have all these questions in their head. Them telling me that "no matter what, God is sovereign." did not help my confused mind at all.

Now, a couple years down the road, I understood it clearly now. I understand the assurance of salvation that they have. I understand the peace that they have, the joy that they have, if and when God decides to have them join Him. I understand the fact that God is sovereign and it doesn't matter. 

In actual fact, I don't deserve God or His grace and mercy. All I deserve is wrath and darkness and death. But yet, when I was still in the darkness, still loving my sinful nature, still dead and unable to accept a gracious and merciful God, it was at that state, when I was totally useless and helpless and worthless to God's Kingdom that He sent Jesus to die. God sent Jesus to pay the penalty for my sinfulness, my ignorance of God Himself, my hatred towards this almighty God. Through Jesus' death on the Cross, and the power of the Holy Spirit in my conviction of the Truth, I can be assured and know that, no matter what, God is sovereign. 

I can be assured of my salvation because I see a God's sovereignty and His grace in a new way. While I am far far far, from "perfection", I understand the peace and the joy to live this life that I have been given. I finally understood what it means to say "it doesn't matter where I go after I die, because God is sovereign. And without Him, I deserve hell." And at the end of the road, the joy I hope to be able to receive is to be able to meet my Saviour and God at long last. Indeed how glorious it will be, to be joined with all the saints in glorious praise to the King. 

Today marks 7 months being here, and I've struggled through my journey, with fear of losing sight of the Cross when I leave my comfort of home and protection of my own bubble. I was afraid of my flesh taking over my desires as I left home. But God is gracious and it shows how lacking of trust I have in His love. Through this journey, being stripped of all that is familiar to me, had helped me to understand God's sovereignty and faithfulness even more. 

Salvation isn't a free pass to sin, it is the power to say "no!" to sin. 

Hannah

Sacrifice.

How much are you willing to sacrifice? For the ones you love? For the ones you just met? For the ones you don't even know? How much are you willing to sacrifice for the gospel?

How much Christ was willing to sacrifice was simple, to the point of death on the Cross. Jesus' willingness to suffer and sacrifice, so that through Him, us Christians can be united with God. Through Christ, we can communicate directly with the Father, there was no need to sacrifice a lamb for the sins we had committed, because Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. And why did God so willingly sacrifice His Son for us? Because He loved us so. 

If loving means to sacrifice, and as followers of Jesus we are called to love, doesn't that mean that we are also called to sacrifice? Our time, our finance, our pride and ego, for the sake of the Gospel. As I write this, I too am reminded that I am called to sacrifice my life for the Word of God. I am called to the paradox of Christian living, to lose my life, so that I may gain it. I am called to be a disciple of Jesus Christ, to proclaim the Word of God, the love of God that we do not deserve at all, the grace that was shown to us through the Cross. 

"I did nothing, the Word did everything" - Martin Luther

Oh! How true those words are! I am merely a sower, or water-er but it is God who makes the plant grow. And ultimately, I have nothing to boast for in my works, but may I only boast in the amazing work of Jesus Christ the Lord. 

God sees the depths of our hearts and still love us the same. How amazing, how undeserving and how selfless that love is. That the creator of this universe so lovingly forgives us and loves us, though we have sinned against Him. If my limited capacity of my mind thinks that this God is so mighty, I can't imagine how much more mighty and wonderful He really is. In my limits, God is limitless.

Pray for me, as I learn to sacrifice, and as I begin to truly live out the true meaning of the love shown for me on the Cross to others.

Hannah

Tough Love.

"You want to cry, to throw a tantrum? 

Do it. See if anyone care. 

No one is here to treat you like a princess.

If you want to cry,

 then go ahead and cry like a baby.

And once you're done acting like the world should revolve around you,

suck it up and put on a brave face,

taking it one step at a time,

because that's all you can do. "

My alter ego mocked me.

I sniffed and dried my tears, 

put on a brave face, 

and face the world of unknowns.

Hannah