Mistakes.

We've all made mistakes, some cost more than others. And whether you've experienced it before, or you will one day, that one small mistake is going to cost you a lot. It's gonna take up your time thinking about it, it's going to take up your sleep because insomnia creeps in, it's going to take up your tears, and all you'll be thinking was, 'how did it ever got so bad?' 'what had I done?'

How did it ever got so bad?

How did everything suddenly take a huge turn on me? Honestly, I don't know. All I'm trying to do now is trust God, but maan, even that is so hard! How do I do that? 

Everyday, I try to put on a brave face, but yet my thoughts doesn't seem to leave me. Half the time that I'm sitting there, just staring into space. I'm there, but I'm not there anymore. I honestly do not know what's wrong with me. 

I just want it all to end, I want to put a stop to all these drama and nonsense so that eveything can be better again. I want to talk to you guys again, but I know, I'm in no position to do any of that. Because I've messed up and this time, I really don't know if it's fixable. If only you knew how everytime you post that you're upset or frustrated, I wanted to say something, I had wanted to give you some kind words. Maybe because I'm a coward, but really, who am I to say anything? You don't even consider me as a friend anymore. 

I know you hate me, and at this point, I kinda hate myself too. but I'm not regretting the decision I've made because it had made me realize that this life, shouldn't even be about me. I want to put it behind us. Maybe one day we might even laugh this off, but for now, all I'm just doing is the opposite of laughing. 

I'm losing sleep, and I'm terrified that, that part of me will come back to haunt me. I'm terrified of going back there. It was my fault. 

It's not enough to say I'm sorry.

Hannah