Knowing.

We all like knowing things, thing unrelated, related, facts, gossip, everything.

Results for my May exams will be out tomorrow, and I'm expecting 2 eyes full of tears when I get it. I'm terrified, I'm afraid, I'm sick to my guts. I know that I had given my all during the exams, but somehow now, it felt like it wasn't my best, that it'll never be good enough. 

Thinking about 6 years ago, knowing my results and how tears just sprang to my eyes, how it stung and how much it hurts. Then am reminded about my feelings 3 years ago, where the same situation had happened, even before I had gotten my results, I was already tearing up like a baby. After all these, earlier this year in March, remembering how I had once again disappointed myself. Sitting my the drain, on the phone with my mom, remembering how my voice broke while I talked. 

After all these, I begin to think about all the small moments in high school where tears just left my eyes, all the monthly,or yearly exams that I didn't do well in. Remembering especially my trials when I got back my Malay paper, thinking that this results can't be true, then wondering how am I going to apply for college or even scholarship with that single sucky result for that paper. 

These thoughts just circulate around my head, as another popped up, knowing that no matter what, I can't change the past, I can only strive to work harder. And remembering that my biggest problem, the problem with sin had been resolved on the Cross at Calvary two thousand years ago by my Saviour, Christ. Remembering that no matter what, these results, in the end would just be a piece of paper, it would just be in useless and pointless in the end. When Christ comes again, He wouldn't judge me by that piece of paper that describe my grades, but He'll judge me based on the talent that God had given to me, and how I've put them into good use, or just bury it in the ground. 

Sometimes, I just wished, hoped that I'll actually be good at something. Sports, studies, or musically inclined. Instead, I'm just stuck in the middle, horrible sports player, moderately average kid in school, and a total fool with instruments. I wondered if I actually haven't found out what I'm actually good at, or if I'll just be this average kid forever. I mean, not everyone can be Einstein, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and all right? 

But thinking about it again, If I were excellent at something would I still have time for God? Would I still want to believe in Him? And re-thinking that thought, God has His plans for me, maybe it won't be a grand thing, or a grand gesture, but God sees the heart, while men sees the outside, the certs and the skills. 

"To the one who is given more, more will be expected of him," So maybe I won't be the honourable student who gets into Oxford or Cambridge(not that I'm even thinking of it), but I could just do my part, of sharing the gospel, living out a life that is modelled after Christ. To love the ones in need, and help them. Just to show God's love to the people around me. Because Christ had first loved me. 

Lord, whatever happens tomorrow, happens. But keep reminding me of Your great love, Your mercy and grace that's shown upon my life. To know that while everyone else, including myself look at the grades on that soon to be useless piece of paper, that You look at the resources given to me. Help me to be reminded to store up treasures in heaven and not treasures on earth. To transform and not conform to the pattern of the World, but to stand up, and willingly be different. To show Your love to others, to help them in their time of need. Help me to be reminded of the Cross, that no matter what, the Cross has been that major turning point in my life, and to not turn back to my old ways, but continue to walk this path with You, learning to trust You. 

Hannah