Timing.

April. April fifteenth to be exact as I'm writing this now. 

It's been four months since 2012 started and honestly, I really don't know what to say about it. Depressing, spiritually. But I'm having "fun" physically and that in itself, is so much more depressing.

The amount of things that had happened in thus short four months, someone could probably write a book on that. Because everything's messed up. And the past just comes back to haunt you. Maybe that's why you shouldn't run from the past in the first place. Maybe that's why conflicts were resolved at an instance, and not dealt with years later. 

I need to understand that Christ is enough. He is more than enough. He is sufficient. Even though He's not here, but God left His Word, His precious Word to me, for me to read, to understand, to know Him in a deeper way, more than what is just at the surface. But yet, everyday, I take God's grace and God's mercy for granted. I take every breathing moment for granted thinking that I probably "deserved" to live this life, the way I want it to. But what do I really deserve? I deserve death, I deserve God's wrath upon my life. I don't deserve life, I don't deserve to live. Heck, I don't deserve to live in a good condition that I have roof over my head, or even a bed to sleep in. I don't deserve any of it. But yet, God has given it to me. For what reason? Only to glorify His name. 

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Hannah

Not mine.

Honestly, I never through I'll have to struggle so much. Ever since I have a life, things are hard to do. Hard to find time to spend with the Creator. And heck, I'm struggling in so many areas. But then, this life is not mine to live. This life of 'mine' had been bought with a price, it had been ransomed by the blood of an innocent man. It had caused the death of the Son of Man. And through that death, I am no longer a slave to sin, but I am, (or supposed to be) a slave to righteousness. Through the death of Christ, we are set free. 

You would owe your life to someone who had convinced you not to end your life. Wouldn't you owe so so so much more to someone who had saved your whole eternity? But yet, we go on, sinning and doing things that is not pleasing to God. Yet, we still live as if Christ is not coming again. We still live as though God hadn't shown His grace and His mercy upon our lives. We are ignorant to the fact that every waking moment of our lives is a part of God's grace and God's mercy. 

Christ's walk into Jerusalem, His last supper with His disciples, His fervent prayer in Gethsemane, His walk to Calvary, His cry of forgiveness of behalf of us. What does all that mean to us? Or does it even mean anything that Christ had died? What does the cross mean? How does that death of Christ effect us? It effects us more that we know. Because our whole lives should be about Christ death, His resurrection. God's wrath, but also God's mercy and God's love. 

Lord, I need your strength, your wisdom. 

Hannah

Punches.

So punch me. I know you want to do it. I know you've always wanted to do it. Probably the only thing stopping you is the fact that I'm a girl. But it seem like I could be the only girl that have ever made you feel like punching them.

Go ahead and give me a black eye, it's not like I'll care anyway. As long as you feel better, I'm alright. I mean, honestly, it's just a black eye, it'll heal sooner or later.

I'm tired of saying sorry. I'm tired of apologizing for the same stupid thing I did years ago. So I stopped apologizing. Because if I do and if I start to continuously say that I'm sorry, that 5 letter word of apology will soon lose it's meaning.

I'm messed up. I know that. No need to remind me about how screwed up I am. But I'm trying. And by God's grace and His Strength. I know, that I'll make it through. And even if I don't, everything happens for His glory, not mine.

Deep breaths. 

Hannah

Satisfaction.

Results was out last wednesday. My very last high school major exam's result came out. I was nervous. For me, bad results will not only cause me to not be able to apply for schlorships, but it'll also mean that I'll be disappointing my parents. Not that they will show it or anything.

Before it I was excited to get my result, after a whole 4 months of waiting and almosts 3 months of getting on with my life as a college student, I was excited to know how I did so that I could finally close that chapter of life and move on. Excitement became nervousness about a week before the result. Sleepleaa nights for the whole week, and thought that were just doubting myself, I started to count the numbers of A's I might get and suddenly got worried because I thought I would do badly.

Working hard for nearly 2 years, through my 16 and 17 year old life while all others were out playing and hanging out. I really wanted to score. I wanted to make my parents proud. I didn't want sad and dissatisfied tears when I got my results.

In the end, results was alright. I wouldn't use 'good' because I wasn't satisfied with it. But heck, my parents were proud. they were estatic. I wasn't. Remembering the tears when I took my result slip, sat down by the drain as I called my mom. counting the number of A's I had gotten, And then realizing that I', not even eligible for the schlorship I was aiming for because A- doesn't count when giving schlorship. It was so near yet so far. Within my grasps, but yet I couldn't reach it. Mom was happy, I don't know if she ever heard my voice crack while talking to her.

It was a sunny day that day, and after I hung up with my mom, texted my dad, my teachers and all that. I buried my face in both my palm, maybe i was hoping that my palm would absord all that salty water flowing from my eyes, but the skin doesn't work that way. Looking at my results slip now, there still is a stain of water droplet at the bottom of it.

The point is that, we'll never be satisfied, because true satisfaction comes from Christ sacrifice. How much pain Christ bore was on Calvary, that alone should satisfy us. Because of that sacrifice, our sins are forgiven, because of that we have power over sin. and us sinning again, meant that we choose to sin, because we are no longer slaves to sin, but slaves to righteousness.

There's been a lot of talk about priorities, and my thoughts about it too. and to be completely honest, Christ is not my priority. and that's really bad. Constantly busy with homeworks and assignments and exams, there's a constant deadline for all these things. But what's important that we, I included don't know is that, the deadline for when Christ returns, that's nearer than we know. That's soon, and we don't know when, thats why we dont sense the urgency in it. Because there is no exact date for when He returns, while our work has an exact date for it to  be due.

So, how do you make Christ priority? Probably by sensing the urgency in it. By knowing the NEED for us to preach the Word instead of conforming to the world. And it's so hard.

Pray. Like mad.

Hannah

Vents.

"There are two different types of people that I've met. One is the ones who look down on me. And the other is the ones who have expectations of me that are crazily high. And most of the time, I'm just stuck in the middle, trying to prove to the ones who look down on me wrong and that I am actually more capable than they had imagined. And proving right to the ones who have high expectation of me so that they won't be disappointed by me. I'm tired and I really need to rest. I need to just be alone.

Every year, every single year, I'll get caught up in the same sticky situation that I absolutely hate. The only difference is that it's with different people. I need time to think about why I keep getting myself tangled up in all these. Every single year! And I'm tired of it. I just want to brush everything off. Some people have it so easily. They can be themselves and not get caught by all these. It seemed to me like I was a prone target of being teased. I don't mind it, really. It's just that I really don't want to get tangled up.

I try, and I work and nothing seems to happen. I work my butt off and all I get is a disappointing results. sometimes I feel like I'm a disappointment to my parents. But I'm trying, and I'm trying to hard to please them, but.

I feel insulted every time someone thinks that a certain someone is my boyfriend, I mean really? What is wrong with me being alone? Is it a vibe that I send that causes them to think that way?

I just needed to vent. I'm upset. Im feeling numb. But thank you for listening. "

:'(

Hannah