Testify.

It always makes me feel upset and maybe even a little disappointed when I heard of amazing testimonies of how a person's life changed because of Christ. How he was once a drug addict, and coming to know Christ, he cleaned up his life, got a job and how God had blessed him tremendously. It always got me wondering, why didn't I have such a kind of "dramatic" change when I came to know Christ?

Growing up in a Christian family, going to church and being involve in church activities has always been the norm, nothing out of the ordinary. Hence, because I was in such a protected bubble, I didn't exactly got to have that "dramatic change" that other people had. 

Having gone through some personal struggles for a few years, and knowing who Christ is more than what I was taught growing up. I learnt that He's not just loving, but He is wrathful, He is mad at US(!) for sinning, for nailing His Son on the Cross. He loves us, but He is just, He is Holy, and He cannot tolerate our sinfulness. That one time in the past when you lied, that one time in the past when you stole 20cent, that one time in the past when you got angry... God doesn't look past that, He doesn't say " oh.. I'll let this pass, since you go to church every week.." NO! That's not how God works! It isn't in His nature to tolerate sin. 

Through the past few years, I've learnt, (hoping that it isn't just head knowledge, but heart knowledge as well!) I've learnt that I can't simple take the bible out of context, I've learnt that there is so much that I don't know, I've learnt about God's unconditional love, and though I'm struggling, I'm learning to love others as how Christ loved me. And it's hard, it still is. Everyday is a battle, with myself. 

Though I don't exactly have a life changing testimony to tell everyone, but things did change for me. My relationship with my family got better as I learnt what my role as a daughter, sister is. I'm not saying that my family is like the perfect family now, no, we still argue and get annoyed with each other. I still get annoyed when I'm not in the mood. And I felt.. happier. Knowing that in all things, God is working. And in all things, He is sovereign. Though my plans were not achieved or goals were not met, I know that whatever it is, God is always good, because He has no capabilities of being "bad".

As I continue on my journey of discovering who God is, and loving who He really is, and not the "god" of my imagination, I learn to trust Him more. To understand and see things in an eternity perspective instead of a worldly one.(which is so tough!) And all I can do, is pray that by His grace, He will sustain me in my faith.

Things do change.

Hannah

Double-minded.

"Sometimes I feel like wanting someone 

to hold me as I cry or laugh with me;

But most times, I am contented 

and feel like I could be single forever."

Opposite.

It still boggles me how someone so extroverted could become so introverted in less than a year.
How someone so sociable suddenly decides to close themselves away from the world.
How someone so friendly could suddenly be so awkward in social events.

And then I can to realize why.
It no longer was about the fame or popularity, it no longer was about the recognition that she was getting anymore. She didn't want that anything. She wanted something more, something that last.
She wanted friends who truly cared for her because of her, not because she could give them fame or popularity. She wanted people who liked her for who she is, not what she can give them.

It became less about her, and more about Christ

Hannah

Age.

She stood there, as life all around her past by, each having their own lives, having their own thoughts, having their own laughters. They're just kids, she told herself, they're just going through a phase that I did, when I was their age too. But she didn't have anyone to rely on when she was their age, did they have anyone to rely on now? It was like watching a replay of her old life, years ago. It pains her, but it was so so real. 

She remembers being their age, age of rebel, age of attention, age of popularity, age of growth, age of friends, age of cliques. Especially cliques, she was a huge part of one. Tearing people down, making others feel like they're less significant, doing things and saying words that left a scar on others. To her, it was a been there, done that. And her journey was a rough and hard and unending one. Even up till now, she was still paying the huge price of all that she was years before. 

She remembers herself being loud and obnoxious, maybe that past had also been a reason why her personality had changed so much. She remembers herself always trying to be in the centre of attention by blurting out everything that she thought was "funny" just so people will know her name. Maybe that's why she's more towards the background than being in the front. She remembers how cold and mean she was to other people, and maybe that's why she tries to love others more now. 

Most of all, when she saw them, she saw herself. And it breaks her heart to see that, but there's a glimpse of hope, knowing how she turned out, though still paying the price for it, there still is hope, and by God's grace and God's timing, no matter what, God is sovereign through it all. 

Hannah

Waiting.

Its been a month, and I'm still waiting, waiting for a reply from the one last university, the most important one I'd say since that's my first choice. Not too hopeful about it considering how I did at the interview, but in the end, it's not about me. Through the interview process with multiple universities for a spot with them, I had learned that God's timing is always perfect. Though most of the time I don't see it, and grumble at the fact that things are coming and piling up on me at the worst time ever, but in the end, I saw how great God is and truly how perfect His timing is. How He sets the time for every season of my life, and He sees the big picture.

It's been a tiresome year already, reflecting on how excited I was to get into college just over a year ago. And now I'm going to be closing another chapter of life in about 2 more months. Final hurdle, final stretch, final push, and it's over. Looking back at how much I've grown, learnt, remembering the times I fell, and how hard it was to get back up, even now, that I'm still learning to heal. God have really been ever present throughout these times, knowing what's best for me, giving me what I needed.

I guess through everything, even if i don't get what I've always wanted, I'm praying for myself that I'll still praise Him through it all, that I'll still glorify the King, for He is the only one that deserves all glory and praise.
I've learnt, and I'm still learning, to not grumble and mumble when I don't get something I want, and I'm constantly reminding myself that all I really deserve is death from God's wrath because of my sin. But His grace and mercy had pardon me and God had shown His love for me, to the uttermost.

"God is most glorified in us 

when we are most satisfied in Him"

-John Piper

Hannah