September

Have you ever told yourself, "this isn't how it's suppose to be?"

The journey of faith, the process of finding yourself. Its tough, and honestly, sometimes I feel so lost, so abandoned, so alone. How did everything got to where it is now? How did everything end up this way. 

The hardest part is knowing the Truth, and knowing that what I grew up being taught wasn't the Truth. It's tough that it feels like I have to go against what I was raised in. Its hard, and it's scary to not know what lies ahead of me. To not know what the future hold, because I won't be able to prepare for it. But then again, I know who holds the future. And all I need to do is to trust the Creator, to know that God is sovereign and whatever comes my way, it is upon His Will and not mine. 

I don't know what lies ahead, but as I laid my head down yesterday night, I had imagined myself needing to choose a side. How has it all come to this?
And so I often tell myself,
Remember the Cross? Remember the innocent blood shed for my sins? Remember how I am bought with a price? Remember how Christ had paid the ransom?
Looking at Christ's work on the Cross, Looking at God's grace and mercy upon my life, Looking at the Holy Spirit's work in me.
And all I could do is thank the Lord. And even that is not enough.

Do we run? Or do we stand up for the Truth?
I don't want to be constantly account my spiritual walk with God based on my feeling. Because feeling fluctuates, but one thing that remains the same is God, His Love, and His amazing grace towards my life.

These internal struggles, they're hard and frustrating, but then again, theres joy. JOY!
Rejoicing in the Lord, Joy that God had given me the grace to opened up my eyes to the things unseen. Joy that because of Christ, I now stand justified.

As I begin to understand why it is not going to be possible for me to stay there the rest of my life. I slowly begin to disagree with what I was being taught. I begin to feel upset and disappointed in how I had lived my whole life a lie because of it. I begin to feel mad and then hopeless. What can I do? What am I suppose to do? And again, what can I do?

God is sovereign.

Hannah

Seriously.

No one takes me seriously enough. 

I want to ask people about their life stories, about who or what made them who they are today. I want to hear their life stories, to listen about how they went through their struggles, I want to know what was their strength and their motivation. What had pulled them through that rough patch in their lives. 

I was watching a video on a prematured born baby just now, after she was born, she had tubes all over her. she wasn't expected to survive, but she did. For nearly a year before she left Earth. With only a mere few months old of age, she had undergone 3 major surgeries, including an open heart surgery. Just looking at how tiny she were and her little, fragile body surrounded by tubes, I was just imagining what she had felt. Which obviously I would say that she wouldn't remember? 

With that video, I was reminded of someone. I was too young a that time to understand, but being older now, I could only remember bits and pieces of what had happened last time. Imagine having to pull the plug on life support for your child, because you don't want them to suffer anymore. Because the pain in their eyes were just unbearable. Imagine having your child breathe their last in your arms. 

There's so much pain and suffering in the world. And in the midst of this, Christ had went through sufferings and even death too as he hung on the cross for my sins. And as he died, God couldn't even look at Him, but had to turn his face away from Christ. And even at Christ's weakest moment, God had to turn away from Him. Imagine the pain and hurt then. But Christ obeyed and submitted to His Father's will. 

This life is not mine to live, let Your will be my will. 

Hannah

Knowing.

We all like knowing things, thing unrelated, related, facts, gossip, everything.

Results for my May exams will be out tomorrow, and I'm expecting 2 eyes full of tears when I get it. I'm terrified, I'm afraid, I'm sick to my guts. I know that I had given my all during the exams, but somehow now, it felt like it wasn't my best, that it'll never be good enough. 

Thinking about 6 years ago, knowing my results and how tears just sprang to my eyes, how it stung and how much it hurts. Then am reminded about my feelings 3 years ago, where the same situation had happened, even before I had gotten my results, I was already tearing up like a baby. After all these, earlier this year in March, remembering how I had once again disappointed myself. Sitting my the drain, on the phone with my mom, remembering how my voice broke while I talked. 

After all these, I begin to think about all the small moments in high school where tears just left my eyes, all the monthly,or yearly exams that I didn't do well in. Remembering especially my trials when I got back my Malay paper, thinking that this results can't be true, then wondering how am I going to apply for college or even scholarship with that single sucky result for that paper. 

These thoughts just circulate around my head, as another popped up, knowing that no matter what, I can't change the past, I can only strive to work harder. And remembering that my biggest problem, the problem with sin had been resolved on the Cross at Calvary two thousand years ago by my Saviour, Christ. Remembering that no matter what, these results, in the end would just be a piece of paper, it would just be in useless and pointless in the end. When Christ comes again, He wouldn't judge me by that piece of paper that describe my grades, but He'll judge me based on the talent that God had given to me, and how I've put them into good use, or just bury it in the ground. 

Sometimes, I just wished, hoped that I'll actually be good at something. Sports, studies, or musically inclined. Instead, I'm just stuck in the middle, horrible sports player, moderately average kid in school, and a total fool with instruments. I wondered if I actually haven't found out what I'm actually good at, or if I'll just be this average kid forever. I mean, not everyone can be Einstein, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and all right? 

But thinking about it again, If I were excellent at something would I still have time for God? Would I still want to believe in Him? And re-thinking that thought, God has His plans for me, maybe it won't be a grand thing, or a grand gesture, but God sees the heart, while men sees the outside, the certs and the skills. 

"To the one who is given more, more will be expected of him," So maybe I won't be the honourable student who gets into Oxford or Cambridge(not that I'm even thinking of it), but I could just do my part, of sharing the gospel, living out a life that is modelled after Christ. To love the ones in need, and help them. Just to show God's love to the people around me. Because Christ had first loved me. 

Lord, whatever happens tomorrow, happens. But keep reminding me of Your great love, Your mercy and grace that's shown upon my life. To know that while everyone else, including myself look at the grades on that soon to be useless piece of paper, that You look at the resources given to me. Help me to be reminded to store up treasures in heaven and not treasures on earth. To transform and not conform to the pattern of the World, but to stand up, and willingly be different. To show Your love to others, to help them in their time of need. Help me to be reminded of the Cross, that no matter what, the Cross has been that major turning point in my life, and to not turn back to my old ways, but continue to walk this path with You, learning to trust You. 

Hannah

Snow.

Sometimes all of it still feels like a bad dream. It feels as though I would wake up and it'll all be gone. But the past had already happened, and that's the way it is now.

We all want second chances, but second chances are rare, and they are hard to come by. So grab hold of it before its gone. Christ came and gave us a second chance. God has shown His grace to all of us on earth by Christ's death on the cross. And yet, we don't grasp the importance and urgency of this matter. We live life as it is, purging into the pleasures of the world. We don't realise how soon the end will come, we don't know when, but we're not exactly prepared for it either, and the worst part is that we're not even doing anything to prepare for the second coming of Christ.

I need to learn to grasp the urgency of this matter, and be prepared, for no one knows when the Master will return, and when He does, will be see a sight of His servants working well or will He see them wasting away the time and talents He had given them? How will He see me? 

It's an internal battle between the flesh and the Spirit.


Hannah

Rain.

Was driving in the pouring rain today, I had a very limited vision on the road, it was scary to not know what lies ahead of me. Was praying for protection on my way back.

Very similarly, but yet again, so differently, I had realize that my walk with God is similar. I don't know what lies ahead of me, but yet, God knows. And no matter what, it comes down to your decision on whether to trust Him, or to trust yourself. But all we could see is the smaller picture, we could only see the road that we're driving on just before we reached, but He could see the whole stretch. He could see the road we're at, the direction we're going to take, and most importantly, the end point in which we will reach. 

Going with our instincts will get us somewhere else, but are we willing to trust God with our lives? No holding back, but all in His hands. Am I willing to do that? Have you counted the cost of following Christ? Have you fully understood His 'terms and conditions'? Backing out half way, just meant that you weren't even serious in the first place. 

Words are simpler than actions.

Hannah