Uphill.

Sometimes you're just so tired of this uphill battle, and it's scary. Like a roller coaster ride, the higher it takes you, the longer it'll fall, the faster it'll go, and the scarier it'll get. But everything's so messed up now, honestly, I don't know whether I'm going through the uphill battle, or just falling downwards. 

Like a cup of water that was filled to the brim, yesterday's episode of everyone just screaming, shouting and scolding each other, it was some someone decided to pour a full bucket of water into a small cup, until it overflowed. My head turned on me and my eyes failed me then. Suddenly all of the haunted thoughts that I had hidden at the back of my head decided that it wanted to be heard, my plans of wanting to deal with all of the thoughts after my exams failed miserably. And that was it, Hannah breaking down. All the stress, the pressure, the insane weight of decisions needed to be made, just spilled over. Worst part was the timing. 

I promised myself that I would never go back to the way it was last time, how badly I was affected and how badly I responded to the situation. And now, I haven't gotten there, though times are hard now, somehow there's always a strength pushing me forward, and that is Christ's strength in me. Though sometimes I feel down, or worthless, but yet, I know, there's someone greater, someone much more knowledgeable than everyone else, that holds my future. That doesn't mean I sit around doing nothing, but I have to do my part too, by spending time with the Word, to know what is His Will in my life. 

I've got 8 months left of college, I'm not sure what to feel about it. Mixed feelings I would say, excited for a new chapter in life, though still very unclear, and maybe even unwilling to let go of this phrase of my life. 

10 months into life as a college student, some people say that college was the best part of life. It certainly was a journey of experience for me, with just a mere 10 months, it had taught me to value friendship, value time, and value every small moment spent with each person. It showed me that people still care, that they're concern about your well-being. It motivated me to work for what I wanted. 

This time next year, on the 12th of October 2013, I don't know where I'll be at, whether overseas or at a hostel of a local university, or maybe even back home. It's the first time that the future of where I'll be being so unclear and foggy. But as time passes, I know it'll start to clear. And wherever I'll be in a years time, all I'm praying is that I don't lose sight of the One who laid down His life for me on Calvary. That I won't be immune to the fact that Christ paid the ransom for my life, that I will still be walking faithfully in my walk with God. 

Preserve me, God, in my walk.

Hannah

Three quarters.

And just like that, three quarters of the year is gone. It's the final 3 months left of the year. Reflecting about the year, what have I done.

To classify the first three quarters of the year, I would say that time really did flew by. It's hard to comprehend how fast it flew by, and now we're in October already. It had been a roller coaster ride but nevertheless, still more ups than downs. Or rather, I'd rather remember the ups than the downs. The downfall of life was harsh and sudden. But what do you do when you have such an unexpected downhill moment? For me, it was tough, and there was a constant struggle to remind myself of Christ, reminding myself of Christ's work on the Cross, and telling myself that no matter what, look towards Christ, trust God. 

It's hard though, to tell myself to trust in something I can't see. But that's what faith is, and though my faith isn't as strong as some pastor or the apostles, it's growing, and that's what matters. 

The downhill moments that I had experience had taught me that when I'm weak, God is strong, and truly, in my weakness, His strength will not forsake me. To keep reminding myself of God's grace and God's mercy upon my life. 

Through this rough patch, God's strength is really pulling me on, going forward, knowing that there's nothing to fear. 

Trials is in less than 2 weeks, unprepared, and I know how important this is. 

Whatever it is, do it for the glory of God, not for self. 

Hannah

September

Have you ever told yourself, "this isn't how it's suppose to be?"

The journey of faith, the process of finding yourself. Its tough, and honestly, sometimes I feel so lost, so abandoned, so alone. How did everything got to where it is now? How did everything end up this way. 

The hardest part is knowing the Truth, and knowing that what I grew up being taught wasn't the Truth. It's tough that it feels like I have to go against what I was raised in. Its hard, and it's scary to not know what lies ahead of me. To not know what the future hold, because I won't be able to prepare for it. But then again, I know who holds the future. And all I need to do is to trust the Creator, to know that God is sovereign and whatever comes my way, it is upon His Will and not mine. 

I don't know what lies ahead, but as I laid my head down yesterday night, I had imagined myself needing to choose a side. How has it all come to this?
And so I often tell myself,
Remember the Cross? Remember the innocent blood shed for my sins? Remember how I am bought with a price? Remember how Christ had paid the ransom?
Looking at Christ's work on the Cross, Looking at God's grace and mercy upon my life, Looking at the Holy Spirit's work in me.
And all I could do is thank the Lord. And even that is not enough.

Do we run? Or do we stand up for the Truth?
I don't want to be constantly account my spiritual walk with God based on my feeling. Because feeling fluctuates, but one thing that remains the same is God, His Love, and His amazing grace towards my life.

These internal struggles, they're hard and frustrating, but then again, theres joy. JOY!
Rejoicing in the Lord, Joy that God had given me the grace to opened up my eyes to the things unseen. Joy that because of Christ, I now stand justified.

As I begin to understand why it is not going to be possible for me to stay there the rest of my life. I slowly begin to disagree with what I was being taught. I begin to feel upset and disappointed in how I had lived my whole life a lie because of it. I begin to feel mad and then hopeless. What can I do? What am I suppose to do? And again, what can I do?

God is sovereign.

Hannah

Seriously.

No one takes me seriously enough. 

I want to ask people about their life stories, about who or what made them who they are today. I want to hear their life stories, to listen about how they went through their struggles, I want to know what was their strength and their motivation. What had pulled them through that rough patch in their lives. 

I was watching a video on a prematured born baby just now, after she was born, she had tubes all over her. she wasn't expected to survive, but she did. For nearly a year before she left Earth. With only a mere few months old of age, she had undergone 3 major surgeries, including an open heart surgery. Just looking at how tiny she were and her little, fragile body surrounded by tubes, I was just imagining what she had felt. Which obviously I would say that she wouldn't remember? 

With that video, I was reminded of someone. I was too young a that time to understand, but being older now, I could only remember bits and pieces of what had happened last time. Imagine having to pull the plug on life support for your child, because you don't want them to suffer anymore. Because the pain in their eyes were just unbearable. Imagine having your child breathe their last in your arms. 

There's so much pain and suffering in the world. And in the midst of this, Christ had went through sufferings and even death too as he hung on the cross for my sins. And as he died, God couldn't even look at Him, but had to turn his face away from Christ. And even at Christ's weakest moment, God had to turn away from Him. Imagine the pain and hurt then. But Christ obeyed and submitted to His Father's will. 

This life is not mine to live, let Your will be my will. 

Hannah

Knowing.

We all like knowing things, thing unrelated, related, facts, gossip, everything.

Results for my May exams will be out tomorrow, and I'm expecting 2 eyes full of tears when I get it. I'm terrified, I'm afraid, I'm sick to my guts. I know that I had given my all during the exams, but somehow now, it felt like it wasn't my best, that it'll never be good enough. 

Thinking about 6 years ago, knowing my results and how tears just sprang to my eyes, how it stung and how much it hurts. Then am reminded about my feelings 3 years ago, where the same situation had happened, even before I had gotten my results, I was already tearing up like a baby. After all these, earlier this year in March, remembering how I had once again disappointed myself. Sitting my the drain, on the phone with my mom, remembering how my voice broke while I talked. 

After all these, I begin to think about all the small moments in high school where tears just left my eyes, all the monthly,or yearly exams that I didn't do well in. Remembering especially my trials when I got back my Malay paper, thinking that this results can't be true, then wondering how am I going to apply for college or even scholarship with that single sucky result for that paper. 

These thoughts just circulate around my head, as another popped up, knowing that no matter what, I can't change the past, I can only strive to work harder. And remembering that my biggest problem, the problem with sin had been resolved on the Cross at Calvary two thousand years ago by my Saviour, Christ. Remembering that no matter what, these results, in the end would just be a piece of paper, it would just be in useless and pointless in the end. When Christ comes again, He wouldn't judge me by that piece of paper that describe my grades, but He'll judge me based on the talent that God had given to me, and how I've put them into good use, or just bury it in the ground. 

Sometimes, I just wished, hoped that I'll actually be good at something. Sports, studies, or musically inclined. Instead, I'm just stuck in the middle, horrible sports player, moderately average kid in school, and a total fool with instruments. I wondered if I actually haven't found out what I'm actually good at, or if I'll just be this average kid forever. I mean, not everyone can be Einstein, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and all right? 

But thinking about it again, If I were excellent at something would I still have time for God? Would I still want to believe in Him? And re-thinking that thought, God has His plans for me, maybe it won't be a grand thing, or a grand gesture, but God sees the heart, while men sees the outside, the certs and the skills. 

"To the one who is given more, more will be expected of him," So maybe I won't be the honourable student who gets into Oxford or Cambridge(not that I'm even thinking of it), but I could just do my part, of sharing the gospel, living out a life that is modelled after Christ. To love the ones in need, and help them. Just to show God's love to the people around me. Because Christ had first loved me. 

Lord, whatever happens tomorrow, happens. But keep reminding me of Your great love, Your mercy and grace that's shown upon my life. To know that while everyone else, including myself look at the grades on that soon to be useless piece of paper, that You look at the resources given to me. Help me to be reminded to store up treasures in heaven and not treasures on earth. To transform and not conform to the pattern of the World, but to stand up, and willingly be different. To show Your love to others, to help them in their time of need. Help me to be reminded of the Cross, that no matter what, the Cross has been that major turning point in my life, and to not turn back to my old ways, but continue to walk this path with You, learning to trust You. 

Hannah