Tough Love.

"You want to cry, to throw a tantrum? 

Do it. See if anyone care. 

No one is here to treat you like a princess.

If you want to cry,

 then go ahead and cry like a baby.

And once you're done acting like the world should revolve around you,

suck it up and put on a brave face,

taking it one step at a time,

because that's all you can do. "

My alter ego mocked me.

I sniffed and dried my tears, 

put on a brave face, 

and face the world of unknowns.

Hannah

Three.

Third month being here. Third month living by myself. 

Everyday feels so surreal to be here, everyday is a new blessing, reminding myself of how blessed I am to have made it here. 

While a small part of me would love to be prideful and boast on how I managed to travel ten thousand kilometres away from home by myself, but I know that that's not true. Because none of it was my own strength, none of it was my own courage, none of it was my own peace while I left and travelled all the way here. It was all God, none of me. His strength, His courage, His peace within me that had allowed me to go this far. His grace. 

As its 2 days till Christmas, I am reminded of the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of Christ, it's not just a special birth, but this birth signifies the beginning of everything, the beginning of the gospel, the starting of the story of Christ, who came to save and redeem our souls. The beginning of the love of God shown through Christ and that we are able to see it and accept it though the Holy Spirit.

"For to us a child is born, 

to us a son is given;

and the government shall be upon his shoulder,

and his name shall be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace"

-Isaiah 9:6

This is the beginning of the One who has no sin, but took away sin on the Cross for us. This is where the hope shines, because now, as Christians we have a certain future, not a worldly one, but a heavenly glorious future with Christ, with God. 

This birth, is the beginning of Christ's walk to the cross. This birth, is so much more glorious than what we make it out to be. The true meaning of this birth doesn't come from the knowledge of Christ's birth, but it come from the heart, when the Holy Spirit convicts you, and let it hit you in the guts, on how gracious our God is, on how glorious this birth signifies, on how merciful the Father is, to have given us the Son, not just the Son, but the Spirit to lead and guide us on as well. 

What does this birth of this special baby two thousand years ago mean to you? What does Christmas mean to you? Just a day to unwrap gifts and spend time with family? What do you hope for most this Christmas, and the New Year to come?

"When I say I'm a Christian, it does not mean that I am holier than thou, 

it just means that I'm someone who has received the grace of God somehow."

Hannah

Different.

There's a difference between someone who's living a life, knowing the grace shown to them, and a person just merely living a life.

There's a difference between someone who's not suppose to be here, but super grateful that they have the opportunity to, and someone who's been planning for year and "meant" to be here.

There's so much difference in the way these two individual live, one with so much gratefulness and overwhelming sense of thanksgiving; the other just living as he should, like how everyone lives, because in the eyes of the world, that's how it is suppose to be.

Walked down a painful memory tonight. Took a stab in the heart feeling like I've lost contact with the rest of the people back home. Feeling a wave of missing everyone I used to talked to back home. Being afraid of going back during the summer because it's just going to be so awkward.

I miss the comfort of home, how easy it is to contact someone, how simple it is to just call someone out to hang out. It was just going out, have a meal and catch up with each other. Oh how I've taken those times for granted.

Short rant to say that I'm missing the peeps back home. I really am.

Hannah

Oct 31.

"Once strangers chasing selfish dreams,

Now one through grace alone. "

Hannah

Bubble.

I miss my bubble. 

I miss living in that little bubble. 

Home; is physically far away from where I am, the people I grew up with, the ones I shared my joys, my struggles with, they're no longer a drive or a call away. Sure, technology has been wonderful lately, but taking in the time difference and their own personal lives back home, it's much simpler to keep in touch, but yet, it's not as easy as you would think it is.

I miss that place where I surrounded myself with people of faith, like-mindedness. People whom I knew their past, people whom I have grown up with to have know what they had went through. People whom I know that knows me just as well.

In this strange country with even stranger culture, I don't fit in, and honestly, I don't want to fit in. I don't want to tell myself that it is okay to do something just because everyone else is doing it. I don't want to blend in with the world, because as a Christian, you're not suppose to blend it, you were suppose to stand out from the crowd. The Christian life tells to die to your earthly self, not once in a lifetime, but daily. To rid of sinful desires daily, to repent and ask for forgiveness from the Heavenly One.

I knew it would be different, but I honestly didn't expect it to be this tough. I didn't think that it would be this different.& I weep for the society, for the culture, for the next generation. For they have/are losing their sense of direction, their knowledge of purity, their belief of faith & Christ. There is no sacredness, no privacy. And it happens because, like me, they're broken.

Like me, wretched, broken, lost, confused.
Like me, a sinner.

But the difference between me and them is that I know I'm broken, I realize my wretchedness, I notice my sinfulness. I understand the need for a great God and an obedient Son. I am in awe of the grace shown by the Father, the love & obedience shown by the Son, on that lowly Cross, where my King was crucified and 3 days later, rose again & ascended to heaven to be with the Father so that the Holy Spirit may dwell in us.

It's been almost 3 years since my slow beginning of true faith in Christ. Some days are joyful days, some days, I just struggle so much, trying as hard as I can to not ask God 'why'. (Who am I, to ask God that?) but to just trust Him, that through whatever obstacles I'm going through, my faith in Him will strengthen instead. Not because I've prayed a lot, not because I read the Bible, but because the Spirit enables me to worship God, the Saviour of my soul that had redeemed my life.

Pray for me, as I continue struggling in this culturally different country. Pray that God persevere me in my faith. But most of all, pray that God's Will be done in my life, that I will be submissive to His Will.

"Foes may hate and friends may shun me,
Show Thy face and all is bright."

Hannah