Overthinking.

Some people say that overthinking kills you, and maybe they're right. As the year draws to a close, time to whipped out that or start digging for where you left your new year resolution paper that you've made earlier this year and maybe check off some things on the list. 

Me, for one, didn't make one. It was weird because I've always been one that has a list, but busyness had gotten a hold of me this year, that I did not sat down and write a list. But as cliché as it may seem, some points of the new year resolutions repeats itself every year, now, I can't be the only one with that problem, can I?

With SPM ending on the last day of November last year and class started on the 3rd of January 2012, plus I had been travelling a lot last year, there wasn't exactly a "right" time for resolutions. All I knew was I wanted to score in my exams, grow closer in my walk with God, and dream of heading overseas to study. As months passed, my goals became more specific.

Looking back, the year truly had gone by in a breeze, 12 (or 11) full months of books,books,books, and constant worries for exams. From college events such as Orientation Camp, Orientation Ball, Treasure Hunt, first time scoring insanely low on my trials, first external exam, to more heartbreaking moments such as results day, lecturers throwing information at us as we rush through the syllabus for trials, being too worn out everyday in college as it ended with the Musical and good forecast grades. 

There were things that I knew God would take away from me this year, things that I had really wanted, that I had pleaded with God to let me have it. But God in all His sovereignty, obviously, wouldn't allow me to have it. And I'm tremendously blessed that I didn't. It was hard to accept at first, even now actually. But it was truly a blessing in disguise. 

If I had a chance, what would I do differently?

It's a tough questions, I mean, we all have or own share of regrets and mistakes. For me, I guess I'd rather live with the mistakes and regrets that I've made throughout the year and learn from it. And in one way or another, I am glad for the mistakes, I'm glad to have made them, to really see that my view in life is so blurry, and God has the bigger picture. I do admit that I still hold back some stuff and not let God have total control, but I'm learning, we all are.

I'm ending this year with mixed feelings. I want just a glimpse of where I'll be next year, just to prepare myself for the heartbreak. But then, am I trusting my future to God? If I know that He knows what's best for me, then why do I still feel like I want to know where I'll be next year? 

I'm terrified. 

More than I show. It's making me nervous,and sometimes I just want to disappear, to leave and never let anyone know. It's scary to not know my future, and again, I just keep repeating to myself, to trust God. Looking back, He hasn't let me down, and His timings are perfect and truly entrust myself into His Word. To understand that this life here on Earth is just temporary, and my main aim should be about spreading the Gospel anyway. 

HAPPY NEW YEARS! 2013! :D

Hannah

Dance

What keeps you dancing? What inspires you? What motivates you?

Something that I really like to do is dance, there's a certain excitement that fill me when I'm backstage, looking from behind the curtains, watching as the audience take their seats and chatter on excitedly, listening to the hush silence that fills the hall when the lights dim or the curtain rises. A certain joy that fill me as my heart starts pounding like mad just before my cue is up. But then on stage, as all the rehearsals and practices are put to the test, everyone wants to deliver a stunning performance.

Performing is such a bittersweet feeling for most people because when performing, whether is it dancing, singing or in a bad, playing instruments, it makes people feel wanted. One person lacking cause a great deal of trouble for the team, everyone is needed, they all play their individual important role. The back stage guys, the PA boys, everyone has their own individual role to play, and if they do not uphold these roles, there will be some people getting angry and well, let's just say some others has to do double jobs, which, isn't really nice.

After weeks or months of performing, the tiresome practices doing the same thing over and over again, trying to polish up every little blemish in the performance, to have a truly perfect performance. And then after everything, saying goodbye to the "family" whom you've spent countless of hours rehearsing with. That's the bitter moment, but remembering all the times and moments together, laughing and goofing around.

Most dance, as a way of expression, just like how some people paint, some write, some, dance. putting their thoughts and feelings into a piece, and letting the music play and your body take over, grooving and moving to it. Releasing angry, stress, weary, sadness. It is, truly a way of expressing yourself.

The best choreography are the ones that has a soul to it.

Hannah

Shooting Stars

And tell me, did you fall for a shooting star, one without a permanent scar? 

- Drops Of Jupiter

We all have scars. Some deeper and others, some scars hurt more than others. But each and everyone one of it tells it's own individual stories. Each scar represented a moment in your past where you were hurt, disappointed, upset, angry or even lonely.

What stories does YOUR scars hold?

What do you do when you're the stumbling block, hindering others from moving forward?

Hannah

End.

Is this it?

Is this how it ends? Just like that, as quickly as how we were brought into the world.

I'm not giving up. It's hard to love people who doesn't like us much, but Christ had shown His immense great love on the Cross. He had shown love to people who nailed Him. And by His strength, not mine, I won't give up trying to love you. I won't give up trying to bring you to the Gospel, I won't give up, showing you how much I care. By God's grace and God's strength, and only if He Wills it, then it will be done.

I'm not letting you go this time. Swallowing my pride, and pray that God use me as a vessel. 

I'm not giving up.

Hannah

Bubble.

Maybe it's time to step out of that prefect little bubble, and stand up for the Truth, no matter what it takes,

Salvation is a gift. And it sure it. But after receiving the gift of salvation, our whole life changes. Our perspectives changes BECAUSE of salvation. We do not continue living life just as it is, but we found our purpose, to live for the Gospel. For Christ and we no longer live for ourselves.

Many people misunderstood salvation. I too, was one of them, thinking that a simple prayer that I recited after the pastor would save me and I'll be going to heaven if I die. Sure, to a certain extend that was true. As true repentance should be present in a Christians life. But then again, how can you go on living life just like how you did before after realizing what God had done for you? What Christ had done on the cross.

That was how my life was, a Christian who goes to church every week. For what reason? Not to spend time getting fed by the word, but because my friends were there. My excitement when going to church was directly proportional to the number of close friends that were going to be there. And outside of church, I had lived my life just like everyone else. What was the different between me and everyone else, honestly, nothing much. We were the same. Except that one small time where I said the sinners prayer. ( which to be honest, I prolly just said it because I didn't wanna burn and rot in hell, who does, right?)

But by God's grace He had provided me with leaders that were helpful in many ways. And He had opened my eyes to the true meaning of the Gospel and how I had taken that one small sinners prayer to be my key to heaven. But that little prayer doesn't mean anything if your life doesn't change with it. Just knowing that Christ died on that Cross isn't enough. Knowing that He was God, the Saviour, the Messiah wasn't enough. Even the devil believed and know that Christ was God, that He was the Saviour, The Messiah. Knowing isn't enough. It's living it out. And consuming yourself into all that He is. It is surrendering your whole life because of His great and amazing work.

It is stepping out of your prefect bubble and standing up for the truth.
It is being in awe of God's grace upon your life and knowing that you can't live the same any more after knowing His mercy and grace.
It is having a new relationship with sin, because you have a new relationship with God. -Paul washer
It is loving other with all your heart, though its hard-- because God had first shown His love to lowly sinners like you and I.
It is knowing that your life, isn't your life anymore. But it was bought with a price, it was bought with the blood of the son of God.
It is to be truly convicted by the word of God.


I'm learning. And everyday, there's something new in stored for me. And everyday, there's a need to thank God for His grace. In the midst of my busy-ness and worldliness where I cared more about my studies, activities compared to His grace and mercy, He remains faithful while I remain unstable. He picks me up while I fall down and start licking my own wounds. And He reminds me of everything that I had been blessed with. As Christians, as we suffer persecution, rejection, being called a blasphemy, though we endure the sufferings externally, yet we rejoice on the inside. We rejoice knowing that no matter what, Christ's Work on the Cross had justified us. Not because of the puny little "good" things that we have done, but because of God's immense love and grace, that He had shown to us.

I've been tired, worn out, exhausted, drained. Everyone sees me and ask,"why do you look so tired? what time did you sleep?"  Things have been a bit crazy with external exams in January, Universities applications needs to be completed soon, worrying about my forecast results and what not, worrying about the fund for university. Realizing that it is so expensive to complete an undergraduate programme now. And not wanting to burden my parents, my dad especially for this huge chuck of fees that has to go into my education. So, things have been insane. With the last week of musical practices before the final curtain closes.
And I pray to God, that He sustain me on my walk with Him, until He returns, or calls me home. But not my will, But Lord, Your Will be done.

Hannah