In Awe.

God is truly truly amazing. Not just in this moment of my life, but He has been throughout my whole life. Guiding me through each and every obstacle, providing a solution for my problems, sometimes I just refuse to take it. 

I am simply in awe of how He guided me, my path, from where I was lost, in the darkness, all alone, and He led me to Himself, He provided me with leaders and friends that I could lean on, that I could learn from. 

As uncertain as the year may be, sometimes all I want to do is to grab hold of everything I could, to regain control, but I have to tell myself to hold back, and allow God to do His work in me. 

When I started to feel like things are going in the wrong direction, I have to remind myself that no matter how hard things go, it'll be for my good, as it is in God's Will. 

And I'm looking forward to every new day.

Hannah

Amazed.

Sincerest apologies from this imperfect sinful author.

January has been a hectic month for me, but nevertheless, God has been good, showing grace and mercy. Teaching me about His love for me, and reassuring me that His love is unconditional for me. 

God has been amazing the past month. With a total of 4 weeks of examinations, and the stress level at it's peak in the middle of it all, God shown time and time again how little faith I have in Him, broke me down to build me up again IN Him. Though the process is painful and the journey is tough, I look forward to the end result and to see Christ in all His glory, and to be able to look back at my life and know that I've made an impact to someone. 

Birthday this year was rather quiet, with little surprises by some people. Made me realized that if I leave for University this year, my birthday next year wouldn't be with these special people anymore, and my family wouldn't be there also. 

Today has just been an incredible day for me, new experience and God's perfect Will and how God's timing is perfect in everything, even though I don't see it sometimes. 

Sometimes, it is about spending time with God in prayer instead of rushing to study or research assignments and all. It is knowing that He is sovereign and to trust in His plans for your future, to let go of the love we have for other things, and to just be fully consumed by the love He has for us. 

It is to continuously repent for our sins and beg for forgiveness.

To have constant fights between the Spirit and the flesh. 

To be refreshed by the Word of God.

To do things out of the love He has for us, not out of obligation, but because we want to.

And most importantly, to keep Christ as the centre of our focus.

Let us strive, together, and keep Christ in the centre of our lives and not an add on. 

Hannah

Positivity.

Some nights, I cry for the positive, optimistic side of me back.

What happened wasn't just a surface wound for me, 

it was a deep scar, and maybe, just maybe

one day, I'll be alright again. 

- Hannah

Selfish.

"Oh Father, use my ransomed life, in any way You choose."

-All I Have Is Christ.

Funny how that one simple sentence can mean so much. Yet, too often, we're too distracted by the world to see how much Christ had sacrificed for us. Or maybe you're like me, you know how much Christ had sacrifice, but sometimes, it slips your mind and look towards the world, with maybe a little pang of jealousy and wanting to somehow be like them. And then, thank God, you remember about Christ and the Cross and remember about the life given to you.

It's so self-centered, really. My whole life in general. I want thing for myself. For my own pleasure. New phones to fit in, new laptops to brag about it to others, new camera to please people. My dad used to say this,"you're gonna buy something you don't even like, with the money you don't even have, just to please some people you don't even like." What for, really?

In the context of universities(because that is what I'm going through.) , when picking a university, what's the first thing people usually look for? Sure, the quality of teaching there, but we also investigate to see if the university we chose is well known. Then you can proudly say that "hey! I'm from University of _______"

"Use my ransomed life." 
Too many times we forget that our lives had been bought with a price, and our lives had cost the blood of an innocent man, not just a man, but the Son of Man, God Himself. It's hard to truly say, "Lord, take my life, use it, any way You want to." The reason why would probably be because we don't fully trust Him yet. And maybe the truth is that, we are holding back a part of our lives, clenching it in our hands because we don't want to lose control.

“Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” 
-Luke 22:42
Christ pleaded with God. But in the end, not my will, but yours, be done, He surrendered totally and fully to the Father. For me, personally, I think that many people, myself included, take this "quote" for granted. We say it all the time, in our prayers, especially when we're weak and helpless. But saying this means total surrender, to be wholly consumed by God and His Will. But as trial and temptations draw closer, all we ask is, "Lord, why have you put me in such positions?" Hadn't we said, may God's Will be done? And not our's?

It is difficult to be thinking about Christ and the gospel 24/7. How often do we think about Him? About God's grace and unconditional love? Do we even remember about the Cross during the week, and not just on the weekends? I do admit that in my busy days, sometimes how fortunate I am doesn't even cross my mind. But I am blessed, in fact, I am beyond blessed. And my prayer for the future is that, no matter how bad and hard and ugly things or life gets, that I will remember how blessed I've been, that I am loved, by the God who saves. 

Hannah

Overthinking.

Some people say that overthinking kills you, and maybe they're right. As the year draws to a close, time to whipped out that or start digging for where you left your new year resolution paper that you've made earlier this year and maybe check off some things on the list. 

Me, for one, didn't make one. It was weird because I've always been one that has a list, but busyness had gotten a hold of me this year, that I did not sat down and write a list. But as cliché as it may seem, some points of the new year resolutions repeats itself every year, now, I can't be the only one with that problem, can I?

With SPM ending on the last day of November last year and class started on the 3rd of January 2012, plus I had been travelling a lot last year, there wasn't exactly a "right" time for resolutions. All I knew was I wanted to score in my exams, grow closer in my walk with God, and dream of heading overseas to study. As months passed, my goals became more specific.

Looking back, the year truly had gone by in a breeze, 12 (or 11) full months of books,books,books, and constant worries for exams. From college events such as Orientation Camp, Orientation Ball, Treasure Hunt, first time scoring insanely low on my trials, first external exam, to more heartbreaking moments such as results day, lecturers throwing information at us as we rush through the syllabus for trials, being too worn out everyday in college as it ended with the Musical and good forecast grades. 

There were things that I knew God would take away from me this year, things that I had really wanted, that I had pleaded with God to let me have it. But God in all His sovereignty, obviously, wouldn't allow me to have it. And I'm tremendously blessed that I didn't. It was hard to accept at first, even now actually. But it was truly a blessing in disguise. 

If I had a chance, what would I do differently?

It's a tough questions, I mean, we all have or own share of regrets and mistakes. For me, I guess I'd rather live with the mistakes and regrets that I've made throughout the year and learn from it. And in one way or another, I am glad for the mistakes, I'm glad to have made them, to really see that my view in life is so blurry, and God has the bigger picture. I do admit that I still hold back some stuff and not let God have total control, but I'm learning, we all are.

I'm ending this year with mixed feelings. I want just a glimpse of where I'll be next year, just to prepare myself for the heartbreak. But then, am I trusting my future to God? If I know that He knows what's best for me, then why do I still feel like I want to know where I'll be next year? 

I'm terrified. 

More than I show. It's making me nervous,and sometimes I just want to disappear, to leave and never let anyone know. It's scary to not know my future, and again, I just keep repeating to myself, to trust God. Looking back, He hasn't let me down, and His timings are perfect and truly entrust myself into His Word. To understand that this life here on Earth is just temporary, and my main aim should be about spreading the Gospel anyway. 

HAPPY NEW YEARS! 2013! :D

Hannah