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Think Big;

Start Small;

Build deep.

How true, isn't it? Many times we are told to think big, to dream big, aim high and shoot for the moon, but no one ever tells us how to get there. How to accomplish the dream was never told. So what most of us would do is that we start big, with a huge plan in mind, we "forget" that every huge success started with a small first step. So often we want things done fast, we want them done right at the first time too. Even with a tiny bit of obstacles we give up, saying that it's not worth an investment. 

If people were to give up on me whenever I did something wrong or something that had disappointed them, I probably wouldn't be the person I am today, I probably won't even be a Christian! Personally, in a generation that is so pampered, everything is given to us, everything is spoon fed and we don't work as hard as our parents did to get what we want, hence when things don't go the way we wanted it to go, we throw out hands up in surrender without trying again. 

The walk with Christ seem to be the total opposite, because it is having to constantly face challenges and obstacle and pray and believe that God will bring you through it and that your faith will be stronger. 

I don't know what Edmund Chan's context was when he quoted this. But for me, the aim is Christlikeness; starting with repentance of sins and knowing and accepting that we are worthless without Christ and God's grace, and then building the roots deeper in Christ so that when tempted, we can be like trees that are firmly rooted and not give way to temptations. 

Hannah

Flaws.

Flaws; We all have them, each and everyone of us, but maybe that is what makes us, us. 

I have plenty of flaws and weaknesses, many of those I chose not to enclose to the world, instead, I let them slowly eat me from the inside.

One of the biggest flaw about myself is my self-esteem. It feels like through the years, my self-esteem and self-confidence had been deteriorating and I'm no longer as brave, as courageous, as outspoken as I was once before. 

I remember being an extrovert, I loved to make friends, to be around people, to talk to them about things that doesn't matter. It was like my security was built in the people surrounding me. But yet, now, I feel more like an introvert. Don't get me wrong, I still like to make friends, but to be around people, to be at a social event, to talk to people about things that don't matter, it just doesn't seem important anymore. My comfort shifted from having to always be around people, to loving my time of solitude. Will I ever find a common ground?

I remember my teacher once told a friend, "you must have more confidence in yourself, like Hannah." Where did that confidence go? I went from a person who wanted the limelight, who wanted people to know who I am, to a person who wanted a behind the scene job instead. How could things change so drastically within a couple of years?

What then, is the root of this issue? Solving a surface problem never really solved anything. Having been through rejections and disappointments, slowly, it tear down the confidence you have in yourself, and because I didn't let go of them, it resurfaces every now and again, haunting me and telling me that I'm not good enough. And it's time, to let them go, to truly appreciate God for those rejections and disappointments. Because looking back at how much I've changed the past few years, it didn't matter. All these petty little rejections are nothing compared to being rejected by the King of Kings himself, and that is one rejection that I'd never want to encounter. 

I'm learning, and knowing that who I am, is who I am in Christ, thought Christ and because of Christ. Its all part of growing up, to know and to trust that God works through the rough times as well as the sweet sailing moments. 

Don't give up. Keep your eyes on the Cross, 

look towards the One whose blood redeemed your soul.

Hannah

Solitude.

I love my own solitude, maybe even too much. When I feel as though someone had barged into my own personal space(and I do require quite a large radius of personal space, most of the time) I just, shut myself off to everyone else because of that one person, because of how uncomfortable I am when someone invades my own space. And it's bad, because I'm cutting myself off from everyone because I feel the need to , well, "replace" the intruder's action by getting more personal space even if it means that I block some people out of my life. . 

I've had a couple of blogpost, saved in drafts written about a couple of weeks ago. Unpublished as my thoughts were scattered and I couldn't come to a conclusion. 

The last couple of weeks I've spent, mostly by myself, to think through plenty of things, maybe even a little bit of self discovery. Thoughts about friends, church,cell group, members, and singlehood. Life, in general. 

Being stuck in a weird and awkward position that I currently am in right now, is a feeling that I absolutely dislike. I like knowing things ahead of time, to be prepared mentally and emotionally, but now, I can't even tell where I'll be at in two months, and obviously being one with lists and plans, that.. isn't working too well for me. 

But through this unforeseen future, I think personally, it builds up a trust in God about your future. This is the point of time where you equip yourself spiritually so that whatever or wherever you go in the future, you know that your only future is in Christ alone. And that is something that I too, have to remind myself, and I don't remember that frequently enough. There will always be a longing to want to be a part of the world because its so.. interesting and luring, but I am reminded that as a Christian, what is your main aim in life? Not to write blogs about how interesting your day has been(I'm not saying that it is wrong.), but it is to spread the gospel, and love people as Christ loved us. 

I have learnt that without a genuine love for Christ and a love for God, you could never love God's people for very long. Trying to love people isn't a "2-weeks plan" or even a "2-year-goal" but it last a lifetime. That's a lifetime of love you have to give, and if there is no love for Christ and the gospel, it would then become a conditional love that dies down when things get tough. And loving people, especially difficult people is hard, but the love for Christ should surpass the challenges faced because of what Christ had done on the cross in Calvary. 

Incomplete thoughts leads to incomplete posts, hence, do forgive me for this awkwardly out of place ending.

Hannah

Testify.

It always makes me feel upset and maybe even a little disappointed when I heard of amazing testimonies of how a person's life changed because of Christ. How he was once a drug addict, and coming to know Christ, he cleaned up his life, got a job and how God had blessed him tremendously. It always got me wondering, why didn't I have such a kind of "dramatic" change when I came to know Christ?

Growing up in a Christian family, going to church and being involve in church activities has always been the norm, nothing out of the ordinary. Hence, because I was in such a protected bubble, I didn't exactly got to have that "dramatic change" that other people had. 

Having gone through some personal struggles for a few years, and knowing who Christ is more than what I was taught growing up. I learnt that He's not just loving, but He is wrathful, He is mad at US(!) for sinning, for nailing His Son on the Cross. He loves us, but He is just, He is Holy, and He cannot tolerate our sinfulness. That one time in the past when you lied, that one time in the past when you stole 20cent, that one time in the past when you got angry... God doesn't look past that, He doesn't say " oh.. I'll let this pass, since you go to church every week.." NO! That's not how God works! It isn't in His nature to tolerate sin. 

Through the past few years, I've learnt, (hoping that it isn't just head knowledge, but heart knowledge as well!) I've learnt that I can't simple take the bible out of context, I've learnt that there is so much that I don't know, I've learnt about God's unconditional love, and though I'm struggling, I'm learning to love others as how Christ loved me. And it's hard, it still is. Everyday is a battle, with myself. 

Though I don't exactly have a life changing testimony to tell everyone, but things did change for me. My relationship with my family got better as I learnt what my role as a daughter, sister is. I'm not saying that my family is like the perfect family now, no, we still argue and get annoyed with each other. I still get annoyed when I'm not in the mood. And I felt.. happier. Knowing that in all things, God is working. And in all things, He is sovereign. Though my plans were not achieved or goals were not met, I know that whatever it is, God is always good, because He has no capabilities of being "bad".

As I continue on my journey of discovering who God is, and loving who He really is, and not the "god" of my imagination, I learn to trust Him more. To understand and see things in an eternity perspective instead of a worldly one.(which is so tough!) And all I can do, is pray that by His grace, He will sustain me in my faith.

Things do change.

Hannah

Double-minded.

"Sometimes I feel like wanting someone 

to hold me as I cry or laugh with me;

But most times, I am contented 

and feel like I could be single forever."